From Crisis to Communion

Good evening world,

before I say good night to the world and turn my light off, I just had the urge to quickly write about my little (well actually it was a rather long journey) from a point of crisis to communion.

I've hit a point in my relationship where I feel so fearful that my boyfriend is actually really going to see me, I mean we are at this stage now where we are proper showing up, where we are dropping our masks of presenting our selves in the best possible light, and admitting to each other our fears, past hurts and vulnerabilities. And thats pretty scary stuff.

The fact (and yes it is a fact) that someone is loving all parts of me, I mean even the parts that i consider (or have been considering) as my dark and unlovable parts, still sometimes blows my mind and actually frightens me. From time to time my head would think, yeah but if you would only really know me, you wouldnt say all those nice things about me, and you definitely wouldnt love me. I do know that this is just my ego's voice trying to keep me away from real connection and I most of the time I dont buy into it anymore, but from time to time it still comes up...and it came up the day before yesterday.

I was in a pretty tough place the other day and really struggled to feel any self-love for myself and as a result i couldnt understand how someone else could. I projected my anger that I had towards myself onto my boyfriend and leaked my self-agression by rejecting his warm efforts to extend love to me. Poor him, not a very nice place to be.

But what we managed to do was to really communicate about how we felt. I mean we both made a choice to really show up in this relationship and to confide to each other our deepest fears and how we feel in relation to the other's actions. It really landed on me yesterday what my lack of accountability and responsibility for my own feelings can impact on the other person. But I would not have found out about it if we wouldnt have had the courage to have an open and honest conversation about it, a conversation during which we show up and hear each other without attacking, blaming or defending.

And so we moved through this crisis. By communicating authentically about our feelings and experiences we got to see each other even more and not just see each other but love each other. to love that part that we thought (well i guess i can only speak for myself here) so the part that i thought is unlovable. And we got to place of such deep connection, as if our hearts and souls united themselves.

So, it just goes to show that real and honest communication and showing up authentically in the relationship enables true connection and brings a loving communion.

So, feeling full of love for Self, my boyfriend, the world and everyone in it.....I'm off to sleep now...good night you wonderful world xoxoxox

Das Wunder der Berührung

Berührungen.....

Was für ein Wunder eine Berührung sein kann. Ich meine nicht ein flüchtiges Anfassen, eine unnahbare Umarmung oder ein achtloses Streicheln. Nein, ich rede von Berührungen die unter die Haut gehen, die bis tief in unser Herz und Seele eindringen. Berührungen, die unser Innerstes berühren.

Ich wurde heute berührt.

Von Menschen die ich noch nie vorher getroffen habe. Wir sind zusammen gekommen für eine Wochenend Seminar in Körperarbeit, sechs verschiedene Individuen mit einer Intention: sich mit seinem Körper wieder zuverbinden, um somit sich selbst und andere wieder besser wahrnehmen zu können.

Sich bewusst zu berühren, sich wieder in seinen Körper hineinfühlen, wahrzunehmen wie er sich anfühlt wenn er berührt wird, die auftretenden Gefühle und Gedanken einfach nur bewusst annehmen und alles geschehen lassen, war für mich ein unheimlich nährendes und heilendes Erlebnis.

Berührungen, die tief aus dem Herzen kommen, die mit Liebe, Achtsamkeit und Aufmerksamkeit gegeben werden, tragen soviel positive und heilende Energie, das einem nicht nur ganz warm ums Herz sondern auch um die Seele wird.

Und so wurde ich heue berührt.

Ich verließ das Seminar mit einem offenen Herzen, voller Liebe und mit einem Bedürfnis dieses weiter zugeben. Das ist das Wunderbare, wer selbst Liebe erfährt will sie weitergeben, aus Liebe für andere.

Berührungen können Transportmittel für die Liebe sein und mit Liebe meine ich nur die Liebe zwischen zwei Partnern, sondern die warme Energie die zwischen uns alle fließt.

Ich möchte mehr berühren, denn eine scheinbar simple Umarmung, eine Hand auf der Schulter, eine sanfte Berührung auf dem Rücken kann Wunder wirken. Das habe ich heute gelernt - und ich bin dafür zu tiefst dankbar.

Wie wäre die Welt, wenn wir uns alle mehr Liebe schenken würden? Ich lade euch dazu ein, euch einfach mehr zu Berühren, euch wahrzunehmen und euch zu spüren. Wie geht es euch dann dabei, wie ist es wieder seinen eigenen Körper wahrzunehmen. Und wie ist es andere zu berühren und von anderen berührt zu werden? Werdet wieder Neugierig auf eure Körper und was sie euch sagen wollen.

Viel Spaß beim Erkunden und beim Lieben!

Ankommen...

Ok, das ist nun mein 2. Versuch einen neuen post zu schreiben und je mehr ich darüber nachdenke was ich schreiben soll, desto schwerer fällt es mir und ich schiebe es immer weiter vor mir hin. Ich glaube, ich habe immer noch ein bisschen dieses innerliche Bedürfnis bzw. den Glauben, hier was ganz Tolles und Weltbewegendes schreiben zu müssen, damit ich überhaupt das 'Recht' habe hier öffentlich zu schreiben, jedenfalls ist es das, was mir mein Ego weiß machen will. Aber ich hör einfach nicht hin, und schreib trotzdem über mich und die Welt, auch wenn ich keine super-duper Schriftstellerin bin. Ha! 

Im Grunde ist das doch genau der Punkt - das zu machen, was einem wirklich Freude bringt, egal was das eigene Ego dazu sagt. Wie viele von uns haben innerliche Träume und Wünsche die wir hegen und pflegen, uns aber nicht trauen sie zu verwirklichen. Ich weiß für mich, das ich immer schon ganz viele verschiedene Sachen machen wollte, ich mir aber oft nicht getraut habe, meinen Wünschen und Träumen nachzugehen. Ich hatte Angst davor, was andere über mich denken werden, das ich bewertet und beurteilt werde, und habe auf eher auf meine Selbstzweifel gehört als auf meine intuitive innere Stimme. 

Viele Jahre lang habe ich ein Leben als Chamelon gelebt. Ich habe mich verstellt, angepasst, mir neue 'Identitäten' geschaffen, alles im Namen der Anerkennung, des Dazugehören wollens, des Gemocht-werdens. Ich hatte so viele Masken, das ich schon lange mein wahres Ich verloren hatte, und nicht wußte wer ich eigentlich wirklich bin.

Wer ist Anna? Wer bin Ich? Wer bin ich in der Gegenwart von anderen? Das ist überhaupt eine der wichtigsten und beeindruckensten Fragen die mir je gestellt worden sind (und nicht einfach nur so in einem ganz normalen alltäglichen Gespräch, nein ich musste mich mit dieser Frage in einem sehr intensiven experiential, also selbst-erfahrungsbezogenen, workshop auseinander setzen).

Ich habe die meißte Zeit meines Lebens damit verbracht etwas zu Suchen. Das zu suchen das mir den inneren Frieden gibt, das die Leere, die ich so lange Zeit empfunden habe, füllt, das mir das Gefühl der Vollständigkeit gibt. Ich habe dieses bestimmte Etwas überall gesucht, in Beziehungen, in anderen Ländern und Orten, in Jobs, in Alkohol, Essen, usw.........vergeblich. 

Ich war auf der Suche nach Liebe und Anerkennung, nach einem zu Hause - nach meinem zu Hause.

Vor 2 Jahre hat mir eine sehr weise Frau gesagt, 'Anna vielleicht ist es Zeit aufzuhören zu Suchen und Zeit anzufangen zu FINDEN'. 

Und das ist genau das, was ich jetzt tue. Ich finde mich, oder besser gesagt, ich komme nach Hause. Das heißt nicht, das ich nicht immer noch meine Ängste und Probleme habe. Nein, die sind immer noch da, aber ich bin anders (ich versuch's jedenfalls) in der Mitte all dieser Schwierigkeiten. Meine Gedanken sind verändert und das ist das einzig Wahre das wirklich verändert werden kann - nicht die Außenwelt, sondern nur die Innenwelt.

Ich versuche die Welt und meine Mitmenschen (und natürlich mich selbst) nicht mehr mit der Brille auf der draufsteht  'Projektionen deiner Vergangenheit' zu sehen, sondern mit neugierigen Augen die die unschuldige und liebenswürdige Seele hinter allem und jedem sehen wollen. Auch wenn dies manchmal schwer fällt, die Belohnung, das heißt der Gefühlszustand in dem ich dann lebe, ist aller Disziplin und Anstrengung wert. Denn ich habe noch nie in meinem Leben so viel Liebe erfahren wie jetzt. Und das möchte ich nie wieder loslassen. 

Liebe ist das einzige was zählt im Leben. Liebe ist das einzige was Echt ist im Leben. Liebe ist was das Leben lebenswert macht.

Auf die Liebe!

Honoring my family

I just wanted to share with the world a wonderful moment I had yesterday with my lovely mum (or Mutschka as I call her). One thing I want to say first though is that over the past couple of years, my family relationships have become incredible important to me and one of the key reasons why I moved back to Berlin, back to my home city and to my family was, to spend more time with my mum and dad. To spend more qualitative time together, to get to know them and ‘their’ stories and for them to get to know me. 

I have always had a good relationship with my mum and I consider myself as really lucky to have such an open, understanding, loving, accepting, supportive and non-judgmental mum like I have. She is the best mum I could ever asked for and she was the perfect mum for me and my journey. I could go on and on about how great she is and how much I love and value her but what the key point that I want to make is that I held lots of resentment against her (especially when I was younger) for not being the ‘perfect’ mother who I wanted and thought I needed. Now I can see that she was perfect for me with all her imperfections. My mum (and my dad) did the best they could with what they had and who they were at the time. And I love them for that and am grateful to them. I wouldnt be who I am today if it wasn’t for he experiences I have been through. There are no resentments anymore, no guilt, no attack, no persecutor or victim roles. There is only forgiveness and love. Because forgiveness means to remember the love that was there at the given time. And I was lived by my parents. Always have been and always will be. 

And this is something I’m incredibly grateful for!

So that was a nice little sidetrack....so back to my lovely afternoon with my mum. So she came over to my flat (and this is another thing that i just love love love, having my own little place to invite my mum over for dinner, never been able to do that before and its just such a lovely way to connect) and after we spend a couple of hours conversing (not just ‘talking’ but actually being in conversation) we lit a candle for my brother and put his picture and the candle next to our little coffee table so that he is right here with us. My mum then read out some old letters which her mum sent her about 30 years ago now. It was hilarious funny because me and my mum totally recognized ourselves in the things my nan wrote about, e.g. always running from one place to another, always being in action and busy. It was so funny to read about certain behaviours my nan did, which my mum adapted and me too and my and my mum then just started laughing about ourselves and just felt this immense love for her mum, my nan, and for ourselves. Out of the sudden we could see ourselves and behaviours with such humility and humor and there was no need anymore for self-criticism. It all made sense. We all made sense. We are one unit, one family unit, always connected, whether dead or live.

It was a wonderful afternoon in acknowledging our family, our loved ones, the living and deceased ones. Yesterday we spend time with my nan and my brother, we send them love and celebrated their live. What a wonderful moment this was and it reaffirmed the importance to remember our loved ones with joy and to not not talk about them. They were important too, even though we may hold some painful memories or feelings towards them but we cannot forget them. They are part of our family, part of our own history and they always will be. 

So, with this little memory I’m sending lots of love and love and love to both of my brothers, my grandparents, my uncle and all the other souls who either didnt made it onto this earth or already moved on. 

Relationship Commitments

Ok, so it has been almost 2 weeks now since my last post and loads of stuff has been happening in my life since. The last 3 weeks feel a bit like a roller-coaster, reaching new highs and lows with such speed that it I sometimes struggled to stay in my seat and to just go with the flow.

There have be a lot of new beginnings for me, which is great, but (or better said 'and') also brought up (and continues to do so) some challenges and difficulties. Apart from the fact that I have a new job now and that I'm in the process of setting my self up as a freelance life coach and mentor, the biggest change is that I am now, after almost 2 years, in a new relationship. Puhh, that actually is quiet a big thing for me to say on here, because it makes it so much more official now. And the word that pops straight in my mind now that I associate with a relationship is COMMITMENT.

Hmmm, commitment. This is one big word. One big powerful concept, especially with regards to relationships. What does it actually mean, com-mit-ment? Just by briefly skipping over different definitions of the word, it becomes clear that it can have a lot of different meanings depending on the context. But the definition landed on me most was the following: "when you are willing to give your time and energy to something that you believe in, or a promise or firm decision to do something“.


Okay, so there's something about willingness to invest time in it, its something I believe in, and a promise to take actions. Aha. Well, reflecting back on past situations and relationships I dont think I can say that I've always been the most committed person...hmmmm maybe that's why I've got the nickname "Anna-the Runner????"

If I'm being totally honest with myself than I have to admit that it is difficult for me to stick to something that requires 'work' when it 'hits the wall'. I have a tendency to throw the baby out with the bathwater,  to leave and just start from scratch somewhere  or with someone or something totally new. Be it a hobby,  work or a relationship. The funny thing is though, that I always end up at the same place over and over again....So maybe now it is time to try something different and to check out what it would be like to be committed, and to STAY committed. When not now, then when, hey?

So what are the things I want to be committed to in this relationship?...(very good question Anna...and I hope you do realize that if you write down your commitments here, you have to actually stick to them and cant cop out of it? - Yes, voice of my conscience, I know and that's exactly why I'm doing it! I'm done with running!)

Okay so here are my commitments in this relationship (and the list is expandable):

1. I commit to stay open, honest and curious
2. I commit to considering myself and my partner equally
3. I commit to stay (!) present when crisis hits and to not quit
4. I commit to really showing up in this relationship and letting myself be seen and loved (especially when I fear that I'm not lovable in this moment)
5. I commit to see the innocence in my partner (or at least being willing to)
6. I commit to forgiveness and love
7. I commit to fun, joy and play
8. I commit to support my own and my partner's growth process
9. I commit to stay in this relationship at least until I know who I'm in relationship with

I'm sure there are plenty more commitments but these are the main ones that spontaneously popped into my head.

I dont think its gonna be easy for me to stick to all of them, but I think that by setting my intention, I make a clear statement towards what my goal in this relationship (in fact for all my relationships) is. It's about who I want to be, who I want to be when I'm in a relationships. A question that I never considered before, but a question that I now need to answer, if I dont want loose myself again.

Sooo.....interesting times are ahead of me, and I'm very excited what wonderful moments, experiences and opportunities this journey will bring us. (uhhh, there is the first 'us' already :-)

Gratitude...

Me and Anni

I just wanted to share with you what a wonderful weekend I had with Anni. Oh, I guess not everyone knows who Anni is...well met me introduce her. Anni is the cutest, most loveable and innocent inner child you could ever imagine. She's lives right inside my heart and sometimes wanders around in my tummy if she wants to talk to me. She has this beautiful gentle and quiet voice, which I only began to notice (because it is so soft) a couple of years ago and im learning more and more to understand her unique language the more I begin to 'calm down' and stop running away from it. I think for many many years I thought that she was something I needed to escape from, not realising that I was trying to run away from my self and with that dismissed the most wounded part inside of me...

...so now that me and Anni are beginning to get to know each other, or better said I'm beginning to acknowledge her again and listen to her needs and wishes (and trust me, wee Anni is quiet demanding, or maybe just in need of a lot of healing, joy and unconditional love), I'm trying to spend more and more qualitative time with her. As I'm writing this I am aware that some folks may think I'm schizophrenic and have a split personality, but rest assured dear friends all is well with me, really well :-)

So yesterday, I took Anni out to the park, actually just a walk but then she led me to this playground and we ended up on the swings. Wow, I forgot how much fun it is to swing, to let yourself fall back and watch the sky and the trees as you swing from one end to the other. We loved it!!! It was amazing. Being able to let go of everything and to just be a child again and play. Wonderful!!!

And then in the evening we went to watch the ballet Les Esmerald, which was totally over the top and cheesy but sooooo good. And the funny thing was that I actually recognised myself far too many times with the main character and the things she did when she was madly in love, but that is an entire different topic for another day.

And I think because I spend quiet a lot of time with Anni recently I noticed also my ever increasing desire to have some real (human) children of my own... I mean I'm not getting desperate or anything like that but I'm just noticing how I'm beginning to nest, to connect and heal my inner child and it all feels like preparation for the real thing, well baby I mean.....and obviously there is still a key ingredient missing but I'm sure that will come in time.

So for now, I love love love spending time with Anni, to laugh with her, to cry with her, to play with her.

And I want to encourage you all to make some time for your little inner child and to just PLAY, PLAY, PLAY. 

Ängste... sich bloß nix von den weißmachen lassen!

Ach, wie wunderschön das Leben doch ist, und auch so spannend.
Ich bin gestern aufgewacht mit Ängsten und Zweifeln über meine Entscheidung mich selbstständig zu machen, die Arbeit von Clearmind International nach Berlin zu bringen, und noch viele viele andere. Sie waren so stark und überwältigend, das ich an gar nichts anderes mehr denken konnte und von ihnen fast so richtig konsumiert wurde. Furchtbar!

Aber, in diesen Momenten erinnert ich mich oder bzw. wurde von ganz lieben Freunden daran erinnert, das ich immer eine Wahl habe. Ich kann entweder wählen mich meinen Ängsten völlig hinzugeben und Entscheidungen treffen die in die Richtung meines Egos und meiner Ängste gehen, ODER ich kann mich dazu entscheiden trotz dieser Ängste in die Richtung meiner Träume und Ziele zu gehen.

Etwas das Duane O'Kane immer sagt ist: "When not now then when?" und das hat gestern den Nagel so richtig auf den Kopf für mich getroffen. Das muss man sich mal so richtig auf der Zunge zergehen lassen...When not now, than when? ... Wieviele Möglichkeiten habe ich schon verpasst, weil ich nie den Mut hatte es JETZT zu tun, was immer das auch war. Also, Wenn nicht jetzt, dann wann werde ich den Schritt in die Selbstständigkeit und damit in die Selbstverwirklichung gehen? Wenn nicht jetzt, dann wann werde ich den Clearmind Info Abend veranstalten? Wenn nicht jetzt, dann wann werde ich Verantwortung für mein eigenes Wohlergehen und meine Lebensfreude übernehmen?

Also Anna, raus aus der Opfer Rolle und rein in den Tatendrang. Und es hat funktioniert. Und wie. Raum für den Info Abend angesehen, nicht lange rum gezögert und gebucht. Angefangen Konzepte für meine website zu schreiben, und designs für Flyers und Visitenkarten überlegt. Alle, vor mich hin geschobenen Formulare ausgefüllt und abgeschickt. Es ist einfach unglaublich wieviel Energie und Elan auf einmal in mir aufsteigt, wenn ich action-steps gehe, die mich meinem Ziel näher bringen und mich nicht davon entfernen.

Mir ist wirklich nocheinmal so ganz bewusst geworden, wie wichtig es für mich ist, mich immer wieder zu fragen, "Was wähle ich in diesem Moment? Wer bin ich in diesem Moment? Was lehre ich in diesem Moment, wenn meine Angst so stark wird?" Lehre ich, das es OK für mich ist, mich von meiner Angst kontrolieren zu lassen und mich von meinem eigentlichen Ziel abkommen zu lassen? Ist das wer ich bin? Nein, ich möchte lehren zu vertrauen, ich möchte lehren das ich nicht meine Ängste bin und das ich trotz dieser voran schreite in die Richtung in die ICH gehen möchte, in die Richtung die mir Erfüllung und Freude bringt. Und ich lehre UND lerne dies nur durch's demonstrieren.

Lang genug hab ich mich von meinen Ängsten gefangen halten lassen, es ist Zeit auszubrechen, frei zu weden und mich selbst zu verwirklichen! Hurray, Freeeeeeeeeeedoooooooommmm.

Virtuelle Liebe

Heute hatte ich meine erste Online-Klasse von der transpersonellen Psychotherapie Ausbildung an der ich teilnehme und es war einfach unglaublich. Ich muss ja zugeben das ich zuerst sehr skeptisch war das man so eine Ausbildung, die ja nicht nur aus Theorie besteht, sondern hauptsächlich aus Selbsterfahrung in einer Gruppe, überhaupt eine Verbindung zu den anderen Teilnehmern aufbauen kann, geschweige denn die Emotionen und Gefühle so richtig fühlen kann. Aber, oh my God, lag ich falsch. Schon bei der Vorstellungsrunde flossen meine Tränen und mein Herz war so offen und ich fühlte so viel Wärme, Mitgefühl und Liebe für meine 'Mitstreiter' die ich erst seit einer Stunde kenne und die aus ganz verschieden Teilen der Welt kommen.

Das hat mich wirklich umgehauen, und mir gelehrt das Liebe und wahre Verbindung mit Menschen überhaupt gar nichts damit zu tun hat wo wir mit unserem physischen Körper gerade geographisch sind, oder mit unserem Alter, unser Geschichte oder sonst irgendwelchen so-genannten Gemeinsamkeiten. Das einzige was man zu einer ehrlichen und liebevollen Verbindung braucht ist ein offenes Herz und die Bereitschaft sich in seiner Verletzlichkeit zu zeigen, gesehen zu werden und dann die entgegenkommende Liebe anzunehmen.

Seit meinem ersten Workshop (The Awakening) in Clearmind International, habe ich gelernt mein Herz zu öffnen und all die wunderbaren Dinge in mir und um mir herum wahrzunehmen, anzunehmen und weiter zugeben. Was für ein Geschenk es ist, mich selbst, die welt und jedem in dieser Welt mit anderen Augen sehen zukönnen. Mit Augen voller Liebe, die die Wunder dieser Welt und das Wunder das jeder von uns ist.

I love myself!

Today I spent the whole day in appreciation of myself, my inner goddess, my life and the universe - and I had such a blissful day.

I treated myself to a little lie-in this morning and a bit of a day dream, a kind of left-over daze from the wonderful dream. Do you know this feeling when you wake up exactly when the dream feels so good and you're experiencing something wonderful in your dream and when you wake up you're still left with this lovely feeling that you just felt in your dream? Well, that was exactly how I felt when I woke up and i just decided to embrace and really soak up this feeling a wee bit longer.....and it felt bloody good. it was a dream about having a right open heart and really feeling connected to someone, and i woke up with the feeling of love and connection - what a wonderful way to start the day. In fact, I suggest we all treat ourselves to an extra 5 minutes 'dream-daze-time' every time we wake up and want to hold on to the feeling of the dream we just had.

So, after feeling all warm and loved anyway I went for a wee run through the park. And I usually meet an old chinese man who's doing Chi Gong energy movements and we always great each other and I always wanted to ask him if I could join him but never did 'cause my head tells me not to bother him. But this morning I did, and his face lightened up. So there we were, 2 strangers connected through their hearts doing ancient chinese  energy exercises in the blissful sunshine somewhere in Berlin. That in itself felt like a miracle to me.

Afterwards, I felt how all the different energies were moving around in my body and decided to sit down in the sun and to just spend some time getting in touch with my inner goddess, my inner wise-woman who by the way is called Esmerald. It was the first time today that I had moments where I actually was right beside her and actually was her. Usually I just see her and speak to her but today I felt like I was part of her and I just wanted to love her and do her good. And suddenly I felt so much love and appreciation for myself and the Universe for making those feelings and experiences possible.

I also met a wonderful woman the other day and she is training in body works and needed clients to practice on. So today she treated me to a wonderful full body massage and again it just felt like I'm smothering myself and especially my inner Self with love and kindness. Ahhhhhh....

I cooked myself some wonderful and nourishing food (home-made soup and rice pudding mmhhhh....) and spend the evening connecting to some dear friends, listening to a story tape in candle light and am now going to bed to read a little bit more from my new fiction book (yes a fiction book and nothing related to work!!!).

What a blessing it is to take time to really be in the moment and to fully experience its beauty and magnificence. How blessed am I that I've been given all these lessons (and yes they were pretty painful at times and I had (and still do) take some extra rounds to really learn them) but if this is the price I get than, please Universe give me more of them. Lets not be greedy Anna (and be careful what you wish for), but every bit of pain and struggle I went through and the times when I thought I can't handle this anymore or wtf is this for, is all paying off now and making sense. I'm so standing in my power right now, full of grace and humbleness. I'm loving every aspect of my life and myself, I'm not lacking anything right now, no job, no relationship, not money, no perfect body or recovery. It's all perfect as it is right now and everything else is a bonus. And I can't actually belief I'm feeling this way. Never thought I would be able to feel 'enough' just with myself. Wow, what a long way I've come. With your help. Thank you!

Love, to you Esmerald, to you God.

Fears and Choices

Self-Love. What a concept!
Over the past four nights I've been sitting in front of my laptop, desperate to write a new post, to write anything, but nothing cam to me. It's not that I haven't practiced any self-love or felt the love from others over the past few days but something stopped me from sharing this on here. I dont even know what I'm going to write about now, but I fear that, if I dont write anything at all, I probably won't write anything for quiet a while... and that's not what I want either.

Right now, my head is telling me that I can only post something into the big wide world if it is of utter magnificence and worth the Nobel-Price. But this is not what this blog is about. The point of writing this blog is to help me express myself, to share a little bit of myself with whoever may read this, to be real. And this is me right now. I'm fearful about setting up a support group by myself, going freelance, and listening (and following) more to my heart rather than my head. I'm noticing how my coping strategies Mr. Avoidance and Mrs Procrastination are visiting me at the moment, in fact, they've been staying far too long now, and how they are contributing to my fears.

Today, I really felt this immense urge of running away again, of going on a holiday, taking on any kind of job or moving back to England. And for a few hours I really believed the self-sabotaging voice in my head and felt totally overwhelmed, helpless and incapable of anything......

But then I remembered what a very wise man (Duane O'Kane) told me yesterday. These feelings are JUST fears. They are not real. I can either choose to believe in them and keep myself small or just notice them and do the things I set out to do anyway. So, guess what, I obviously choose the second, and once I reminded myself that these thoughts are not real and actually dont mean anything I felt like a big burden had been lifted of my shoulders. Dont get me wrong, I'm still avoiding and procrastinating to do certain things but realising that I dont need to buy into my fears and that other people dont buy into my fears, gave enough motivation to start putting some actions into place.

I also remembered that there is a natural cycle - a rhythm to life and that right now I'm going through a time where I need to rest a bit more, where I need to take time out to relax and to look after myself. I need to remember that things take time to develop and dont need to be all sorted and 'ready' right this minute. Everything takes time to grow and to develop be it new ideas or even behaviour changes.

So, right now I'm experiencing a time where my inner voice is telling me to slow down, to arrive, to be patient and gentle....I'm noticing how difficult it is for me to follow this inner guidance and how my head wants to sabotage it, but I'm trying to stick with it. After all, this is about self-love.

Ich hab 'nen neues Project/ I'm starting a new Project

Nachdem ich einen Montat lang mich mit dem Thema Vergebung beschäftigt habe und viele Gelegenheiten Vergebung für mich Selbst und andere zu üben, dachte ich es wär doch mal an der Zeit sich mit der Liebe näher zu beschäftigen - vor allem mit der Selbst-Liebe.

Ich werde versuchen meine posts auf Englisch und Deutsch zu schreiben in der Hoffnung das euch meine Gedanken irgendwie erreichen. Und wenn sie euch noch dazu anregen eure Herzen zu öffnen, dann tragen wir alle dazu bei das es ein bisschen mehr Liebe auf dieser Welt gibt. Denn das ist das einzige was zählt und wahr ist - die LIEBE.

After occupying myself for a whole month with the topic of forgiveness and having had plenty of opportunities to practice forgiveness for myself and others, I thought it's about time to focus a little bit more on Love, and more specifically on Self-Love.

I'm gonna try to post my comments in both, English and German in the hope that my thoughts will reach you somehow. And if they even inspire you a little bit to open your hearts a wee bit more, than we'll all contribute to making this world a more loving place. Because Love is the only thing that really counts, it's the only thing that is real.

Reflections on the Forgiveness Project

So the 30 days of the Forgiveness Project are over and I have to say I'm glad! Not because practicing forgiveness was a hard task (that came surprisingly easy), but because I dont feel the pressure to post something now every day (in fact I havent anyway but trust me the guilty cloud of I should was still hanging over me).

So, what am I left with....

First of all, I'm left with an immense feeling of pride for committing to something and following it through right to the end, despite moments of creative- and ego-crisises. This is a big thing for me because my old pattern is to quit and to run whenever a crises pops up and not to stick with it like I did here.

I also learned a lot about myself, especially that it is a lot easier for me to forgive other people and to see their innocence than it is to forgive myself and to see my innocence. But since it is the Forgiveness Project I am choosing to forgive myself for struggling to forgive myself. And actually there is no need for any forgiveness anyway because there is no sin, only love.

Being in a framework of practising forgiveness had a real impact on the amount of things I perceive that 'need to be forgiven', which was so much less than I expected. It's really weird, suddenly people dont seem to annoy me as often as they used to, conflict arises less often, I feel myself less agitated by myself and others, my self-criticing ego and self-doubts have quietened. I feel more blissful, content, joyful and loving towards myself and others.

Doing this project has also inspired me to do write more and to commit to more similar projects. So far I want to write something to with choosing love over fear, walking on the path of magnitude (rather than littleness) and the teachings of the course in miracles....so watch this space!!!

And lastly, I want to express my appreciation and gratitude to everyone who has read my posts and walked the path of forgiveness along side me. Thank you for all your words of encouragement and your own thoughts and experiences and for allowing my to keeping my own forgiveness by giving it away.

As the course says: 'To teach is to demonstrate'. Let us al unite in becoming teachers and students of forgiveness and love.

Love to you all

My first article for Clearmind International's newsletter 'The Ripple'

Ok, so before I can write anything at all I need to bust my ego and expose my fears. I am pretty scared about writing this article and my fear is that I don’t have anything valuable to say and that I’m not good enough to be writing for this newsletter. Puhhh, that feels better already.

Right, now that the ego had its time to play, I can move on and write about what I really wanted to share with you. Since Elloa asked me to write an article for The Ripple, I have been wrecking my brain to come up with such an inspiring, funny and clever story that I will go down in the Ripple’s history as the best author ever (well, at least that’s what my ego wants). But nothing worth writing about popped into my mind.....until a few days ago when I read in The Course of Miracles the commentary on Littleness versus Magnitude (ACIM, Ch.15, III). This section has become a source of inspiration, strength and faith to me and it is the signpost on my current path of uncertainty.

When I read the lines “Be not content with littleness. But be sure you understand what littleness is, and why you could never be content with it. Littleness is the offering you give yourself. You offer this in place of magnitude, and you accept it...Littleness and glory are the choices open to your striving and your vigilance. You will always choose one at the expense of the other” I kind of felt caught out, because this is exactly what I have been doing for so many years. Stuck in my ego’s defense systems and suspicions of self, I lived in littleness and made every attempt to find joy and happiness in worldly things. I always felt this urge inside me for more, for better things, for higher things, without knowing exactly what it was. I had an insatiable hunger for more and nothing could really content me for long.

And ha, there comes the explanation. I was never content because I was determined that living in my own littleness could and would content me. By that I mean that I was too scared to move out of my belittling thought system and step into my higher Self, into my full magnitude. For example, I always wanted to sing but never took lessons or went to a choir. Why? Because I didn’t value myself enough to do something that brings me joy and pleasure. ‘Ah, it’s not really that important, you don’t really need that, you don’t really deserve that anyway’. That would be my ego thoughts and they sure did the trick. 

Over the years I denied myself of so many ‘contentment-opportunities’ or holy instants as ACIM would call it, because I didnt judge myself worthy of experiencing happiness and joy.  How mad is that??? These self-limiting ego thoughts are captured in the lines “Yet what you do not realize, each time you choose, is that your choice is your evaluation of yourself. Choose littleness and you will not have peace because you have judged yourself unworthy of it.” Ding-dong. Light-bulb moment. So whenever I believe in my own littleness and unworthiness of glory and joy, I make choices and decisions that ultimately confirm these ego beliefs. I reinforce my suspicions of self that I don’t ‘deserve’ to shine and to step into my magnitude. (I would have liked to use the past tense here but unfortunately I am still doing this things from time to time).

This reminds actually reminds me of something that Marianne Williamson talks about in her book ‘Return to Love’. She suggests that our biggest fear is not our own inadequacy but “that we are powerful beyond measure”. And this is where the Course’s teaching about our littleness versus our magnitudes offers hope and salvation. By assuring us that only if we choose to accept and stand in our full light we will be content, we will come home. We may spend a long time trying to find contentment by being little, but ultimately this doesn’t work. I defiantly spent a long time looking for happiness by staying small, and too be honest, I am still doing this now at times, but I also know that by doing so I am actually moving further away from my ultimate goal of growing into and extending my highest Self. 

The Course also makes a very good point by reminding us that this way of thinking requires discipline and vigilance (two virtues I’m not very much blessed with). It encourages us to uphold and stand for our magnitude, especially when the world around us appears to be ‘little’. I guess it is like the saying you can only keep something by giving it away. I can only keep hold of my magnitude if I extend it into the world. And I can only step into my glory if I judge myself worthy of it and continuously ask my self in every decision I face, what am I giving tribute to, to my magnificence or my littleness. 

However, even after nearly a year in Clearmind (which I believe is still really early days) I am sometimes (well lets be honest here Anna, its more an often than a sometimes) still struggling to believe in my greatness and I do choose to stay small. There are times when I still judge myself as unworthy of joy, peace, love and happiness and do belief in my suspicions of self and in my ego’s self-limiting perceptions of myself. Yet, I also know that there is a different way now. I know (no I don’t just know it intellectually but I know it experientially) that I feel only truly blissful and at peace with myself and the world when I stand in my full glory and richness. When I am stepping into my true Self and extending my full magnificence into the world. When I allow myself to fully let my light shine, my  whole heart feels like it is going to explode with love and joy. It is in this moment that the holy instant occurs, a moment of pure bliss and contentment and free of all judgments. The moment when I am home.

I wonder what the world would be like if we would all believe in our greatness rather than in our littleness; if we would make choices based on what would nurture our highest Self and allowing our lights to shine in the full brightness. 

Maybe its worth finding out. Maybe it’s time for me to stop wondering and to take actions. Actions based on teaching what I believe in. And what I believe in is my magnificence.

Choosing connection

I have decided not to write a blog tonight because I want to spend some time answering to emails and connecting with some very special people.

I am not moving away from my commitment (which sometimes feels like an obligation rather than something I freely choose to do), instead I'm moving towards connecting and doing something that I want to do right now and is good for me.

So, good bye blog and hello people :-)

Standing in my power

Today I took a huge step forward towards my goals of being authentic, standing in my power and handing every situation over to the Beloved. Me and my manager sat together and talked about my work performance and how I feel about working in this place. I knew that we would have this conversation and all morning I kept asking for divine guidance and inspiration to 'know' how I feel about working there.

As we were talking I got this clear thought that I should move away from this job and make the path free for someone who can help my manager and the business to grow into its highest potential. I realised that I am not the most suited person for this job and I felt so relieved. I totally clocked on to how my ego would have wanted to me to fight and pretend that 'I am the best' and 'I can do the best job' but that is not true. My special qualities and gifts are more purposeful in different areas and I need to make room for someone who's special skills are suited perfectly for this kind of work. It would be pure self-will and ego if I would stay working there, just because my ego wants to make a point in being so special and different that it can do any job perfectly.

This was such a beautiful and humbling moment for me and I shared this with my manager. His eyes become so soft and gentle and we had a wonderful conversation about the various gifts and skills different people have and how it is our task to utilise them to their fullest in the given areas. I am simply not good with office work or other bureaucratic stuff, my gifts and talents lie with supporting people's healing process and helping them to grow into the highest they can be.

Me and my manager parted on loving and compassionate terms and I'm incredibly grateful that I've been blessed with the opportunity to hand my fears over loosing a job over to the Beloved, to have had an opportunity to stay in my middle and to teach love and not fear.

Although I'm out of work again and I notice fear creeping up around my financial situation I know that I needed to 'free' myself for something else. I dont know what this something else may be but I will be patient and have faith.  (and breath.....) I have the niggling thought that my God wants me to take some even bigger risks in moving towards self-employment but that jump would be so huge like jumping over the Great Canyon and I'm not sure if I'm ready for this yet....we will see...

Day 25 of the Forgiveness Project

Wow, I dont even know where to begin to share about the incredible things I've have been blessed to experience over the past few days. I've been on the Clearmind International Assistant Training program and learnt so much about myself and my perceptions and had so many opportunities to heal and to experience love, joy and connection.

And one of the biggest teaching (or reminders) came from our incredible facilitator Jacquie and was about the key questions that I constantly need to ask myself, especially in times of struggle and uncertainty.

1. What is this for?
2. Who am I in the middle of this?
3. What am I teaching?

If I invite Spirit into every situation, remain open and curious, keep an open heart and remember that I want to teach love and NOT fear and that I want to stand FOR love and not fear, then even the biggest struggles become an opportunity for growth and for extending my highest self to others. It is important to remember that we are all teachers and students in every situation and that what we extend we keep. So by teaching love and forgiveness we actually keep love and forgiveness.

The Course of Miracles says: "To teach is to demonstrate. There are only 2 thought systems (love and fear), and you demonstrate that you believe one or the other is true all the time. From your demonstration others learn, and so do you. The question is not whether you will teach for in that there is no choice...but what you want to teach on the basis of what you want to learn. Any situation must be to you a chance to teach others what you are, and what they are to you."

And what I want to teach and learn is forgiveness and love. I've learnt that nothing else is real but love and that nothing real can be threatened. That means that nothing can actually come in the way of love, no acts of what might be perceived as unkindness (which actually is a desperate call for love), no kind of separation (be it physical or through time) or any other ego attempts to create barriers to love.

Reconnecting with so many people I feel extremely close to, taught me that there really are no blocks to love and it doesnt matter how far away I live or how long I havent seen these people, the connection and the love hasnt faded. In contrast it grows and grows.

This realisation is so healing for me because I believed that good-byes mean loss and feeling lonely and abandoned. But Im learning that this is not true. The feelings of loss and abandonment are not needed anymore and definitely dont match my recent experiences of saying good-bye. I dont need these ego defence strategies anymore to keep "safe" and to "protect" me from harm. I thank you ego for finding ways of surviving the pain of letting go when I was very young but now I dont need this strategy anymore. I let you go with love and gratitude.

It's been an incredible weekend and I'm also glad to be back in my home. And it feels amazing to have my own home now. I am home. Not in Berlin but inside of me. Huge revelation and growth for me. Maybe that comes with age, now that I'm 28 he he.

The night of day (I lost count) of The Forgiveness Project

Dreams are frigging weird things, right? I mean we all know about how your mind and unconscious  is 'working through' stuff in our dreams but last night I actually had a physical manifestation of my unconscious or conscious, or whatever part of my mind that was, getting rid of something in a physical way. basically what happened was that, as i was dreaming away, as you do (and obviously i cannot remember what i was dreaming about) i suddenly felt really sick and i was actually being sick. i mean i was being sick in my mouth which woke me up. isnt that disgusting? in my dream i was being sick all over my bed and i panicked so i woke up (but i only dribbled a little bit so no need to worry). i could still taste this horrible sickness taste in my mouth when i woke up and had to get up then to brush my teeth.

first of all, im incredibly grateful that im not sharing my bed with anyone apart from my noggi (which is my little cushion that i had since im 3 zears old) because imaging waking up next to someone whose just been sick in her mouth...not a good look!! and secondly, thank you god for waking up in time and not choking on it and dying...i can already see the headlines....'women, 27, died on her own sickness 2 days before her birthday!' thank god that that didnt happen.

but anyway, i was telling me mum about it this morning and she screamed out full of joy and exclaimed how fantastic this would be and how amazing my body is for freeing itself from toxins and bad energies which it doesnt want to contain anymore. Hmmm....i didnt quiet look at it this way before but that is exactly what my mutschka (thats what i call my mum) is for, she always shows me new ways of looking at things. So my wonderful body detoxed itself from all the bad energies, thoughts and feelings I carried yesterday and found a way to 'liberate' itself from it. I must admit, that is pretty awesome. what a great body i have :-)

I've dont only detoxed my body from those negative emotions but also my mind. And this is the beauty of staying open and curious, especially when we hit a crisis. It is so easy to just stay in attack and blame and not look at what we can learn about ourselves and maybe own up to and change behaviours that are not so helpful anymore. And what keeps popping up for me is that I could do with being at least a wee bit more mindful, 'present' and rooted. That would prevent a lot of conflict and struggle at work and would help me to feel a bit more calm inside and less restless.

So , my commitment to myself is to be more mindful in whatever it is i'm doing, to remind myself to ground myself whenever possible and to breathe. And i suppose these are also important components of forgiveness, because they all help in the process of letting gooooooo....

The gift of being triggered

Today was a very difficult day for me and a lot of old wounds were scratched, which was (and still is) pretty painful. A couple of times I felt myself caught up in situations that reminded me of dynamics that I used to have with my dad when I was a child and a teenager - and they were not very pretty.

I experienced so much anger, rage and frustration that I felt like running away (hmmmm...that's a familiar feeling..). But it only took a second for me to look at what was behind this anger, and most importantly to realise that this anger had actually nothing to do with that particular person, but it was all about old childhood wounds that are being scratched and brought to the surface. And yes, they f...ing hurt.

But despite the pain, I'm grateful for this experience because it shows me how far I've come in seeing behind my projections on to this particular person who I (could) blame and attack for causing me harm. Instead I know that it is not about the person but about what is being triggered in me. And whatever this may be needs attention and healing and not the person. The person actually is a gift for me to become aware of these unattended wounds and create an opportunity for healing. And despite the pain and all the feelings from back then, I make a conscious choice and commitment to have a different experience around them and to correct the beliefs that I made up about myself back then.

And in this case I made up that I am useless, stupid, not good enough and a failure. But this is not true and I know that now. The truth is that I am skilled, considerate, purposeful, kind, good enough and perfect with my imperfections. I am learning to remind myself of what is true about me whenever those old beliefs are triggered by certain people or situations and also to remember that this person carries his own burden and has its own struggles.

It is not always easy to be in this frame of mind and today there were a couple of times when I disconnected from it and 'acted out' by attacking and blaming 'acted in' by self-criticing and self-pitying. But I can forgive myself for that and look at myself through eyes of love and compassion and can even see my innocence again :-)

And with the same pair of eyes I'm now going to mediate now to try to see the innocence in that other person too (its gotta be somewhere...)...

Forgiveness as a key component of love

At the moment I'm reading a book about the heart chakra and how our relationships are being influenced through the power of love. This morning I read about the different components of love and guess what forgiveness was right up there.

It said that: "a lack of forgiveness is the main blockage for real love and movement in life. We stagnate and become hooked whilst automatically trying to hold on to the other side. We need forgiveness and we need to accept forgiveness for ourselves. You cannot give your heart freely to someone if you are still attached to the past, if you haven't let go. To love means to forgive and to let go."

The point that most stood out for me was the notion of accepting forgiveness for myself. This is a tough one. A real tough one. Especially when it comes to mistakes I have made in the past and hurt I have caused other people. Despite the guilt (and shame) that I still sometimes experience over those things (even though it becomes less and less, but sometimes it still gets triggered), I'm beginning to realise that in order to have a fully open heart and to give AND receive love freely I need to create space and 'clean' my heart up. I need to let go and detach from past experiences, beliefs and projections as well as from future fantasies and plans. Nothing is real apart from this moment. And nothing real exists apart from love. That's the main thing I've learnt from the self-taught book A Course In Miracles. And forgiveness is, for me, the only way to clean up and open my heart as best as I can.

I want to be able to fully give myself to the experience of true love, be it in friendships,family relationship, intimate relationships or any other kind of relationship and in order to do that I need a heart that uses all its capacity to give and receive love and is not burdened and distracted by old ego beliefs. Forgiveness for others and self liberates my heart, my mind and my soul and opens my heart to the miraculous and divine experience of LOVE.

After reading this book passage I quickly said this little prayer (i know its a bit desperate but desperate times require desperate measures, or however the saying goes)... "Please please divine universe and God quickly clean up my heart and help me to let go of everything that i need to let go of and help me to forgive myself and everyone else so that my heart can be free to experience more love every day, your love and that of others and to be able to give away my love more freer and without fear. Thank youuuu."

Lets hope it works (at least a wee bit) :-)

Sticking with it!

For quiet some time now I've been reflected on one of my biggest character defects, impatience and not sticking with things when they get tough.

Looking back on my life I can see how easily I give up on things and throw the baby out with the bath water instead of sticking with it and working through whatever crisis or difficulty I'm facing and actually experiencing what's it like on the other side. I have done (and am still doing it) in all areas of my life, relationships, work, recovery, appearance...

With regards to relationships, for example, once the relationship hits a crisis I leave and end it. Instead of using it as an opportunity to grow and to work through issues and grow closer and stronger together, I leave, or move away, or both. The same principle applies when it comes to my hobbies. Once the initial buzz of it is over and I have to put effort in to it, be disciplined and carry on practicing even though I dont want to, I start thinking that its not the right hobby for me and go looking for something else (just like I did with relationships). And the same pattern also plays out in even more banal things like letting my hair grow. I get so impatient and I'm somehow not prepared to endure the 'pain' of waiting until it grows past this awkward stage where it just doesnt seem to be a haircut at all and is all annoying, and I go and get it cut.

So what I'm trying to highlight here is my difficulty in sticking with things. Especially when it hits the point were the 'honeymoon' period is over and the work starts. When it requires discipline, endurance and effort. And today was a day where the internal need to 'run' and to quit was really high and I felt this huge urge to find some kind of release from it. I'm struggling adjusting to my new work and the in the past I used food to do so. I would binge in order to kill these restless and unsettling feelings. Since I dont do that anymore (one day at a time and by the grace of god) I kind of 'observed' myself looking for other ways of finding release. And my escape today was to try to get my hair cut (even though I want to let it grow). Luckily all shops are closed on sundays and I just had to stick with it. Stick with my feelings and my hair. 

I am so grateful for it. Today I really practiced sticking with something. I stuck with my recovery program, with not getting my hair cut because I needed to 'cut something off me' and not looking for a new job. And I feel proud of it. Learning to stick to something in the middle of a struggle is a big learning curve for me and today I took a step towards it. And it feels good.

I suppose this ties also in with this project. Part of me (my destructive ego) thought to quit because I havent written a post every day and my ego started thinking so what's the point, you might as well quit now, who cares, and it's too much hard work. And my higher self replied: 'No, I'm gonna stick with it. Period.' Commitment, endurance and effort are key ingredients for everything we do, every relationship, project, or goals we want to reach. Regardless of how difficult and challenging it may be, I have made the commitment to practice forgiveness on a daily basis during this project (and hopefully continue with it afterwards) and I will stick with it and continue to write about it.

And today I will forgive my manager for criticising me. A lot. I will forgive myself for not staying within my 50% in this relationship and for putting the responsibility of feeling useful and valued at work onto my manager. Oh, and this is the biggest one, I will forgive myself and not feel guilty any longer!!!, for loosing my election notification and not giving my vote in the berlin election today. Please, please, please forgive me....

With that, I wish the world and everyone in it a very good night. 

Combatting the challenges of new employment through forgiveness

So I officially started my new job now and I'm learning sooooo much about the different ways people manage their staff and run their businesses. I'm having a bit of a hard time adjusting the different working methods and sometimes I have to really (really) keep myself in check and try to not let my ego get caught up in the fight for wanting to be right rather than happy. 

Even though the past few days have been very exhausting (especially mentally) I try to see stay detached from the context of arising problems and dynamics between colleagues and focus on the only thing that is truly real - LOVE. But it is so damn hard. It's so hard not to take things personal, not to feel useless if basically all you do is not done the right way, if you been told to do 10 things at once and then get ...well lets lovingly call it 'constructive' feedback. I really try to keep breathing and to remember that I'm still new, I'm experiencing very different working ethics and morals and managerial skills than what i'm used to (and I so appreciate my previous managers, they were just the best) and I'm learning, learning, learning.

So the main chunk of forgiveness that I want to send out is towards me and remind myself that I am very hard-working, useful and valuable and that it is ok to make mistakes. oh and it is ok to ask, even if it is the same question twice (or 3 times). And i also want to remind myself of seeing the innocence behind people's behaviour and remember that it is either an act of love or a cry for love and that everyone has their own struggles. And breath. 

Ok, so that filled my love and compassion tank up again and hopefully will supply my with everything I need to be the best person I can be tomorrow at work....... 

Return to innocence - Day 14

All day I have been thinking about what I could write tonight about forgiveness and nothing came to my mind. Nothing at all. And then I spoke to a very dear friend of my, the lovely Helen, and so many things just kept on popping up and up and up. And there is the lesson again, that i really dont need to try to 'control' to find something to write about but to have an open and receptive mind and heart and things will just come up when needed.

So during our conversation I shared with her some current struggles that I'm experiencing about defining my own boundaries and communicating them to the people around me and especially towards men. I suspect that that has probably something to do with old childhood stuff (as usual) and not wanting to upset my dad out of fear that he might reject me and withdraws his love from me.

I am currently fully experiencing how my lack in having clear boundaries and my struggle in asserting them is impacting on how I feel and on my relationships. I find myself doing things I dont actually want to do. I find myself going along with things I dont want to go along with. I find myself pleasing people just because I dont want to upset them and out of fear that they may not like me anymore. And this is causing me a lot of frustration and anger because I dont want to do this anymore. I want to be able to stay strong and solid within myself. I want to stay within my middle and consider other and myself equally. I am also important and I need to define my boundaries in order to take care and nurture myself from the inside.

However, there is a lot of growing pain connected with that because what I'm beginning to realise is that I have a lot of attachments that may not be so helpful anymore and that I still hold on to old beliefs that I made up from early traumatic childhood experiences. Some of those beliefs really got scratched over the past few days and tonight I reached a place where I got so pissed off by it that I had to use some tools in order to return to a place of peace, love and compassion. And what I realised was that I'm experiencing growing pains (I love this expression) and that I'm being given situations in order to explore and define my boundaries and to communicate them. Because how can I do this if there isnt a situation in which I need to have boundaries?

So tonight I moved from a place of anger and frustration about a certain situation and person to seeing beauty and opportunity in it. I've been given a chance to grow and to learn and instead of avoiding it and turning my back to it (which i often did in the past) I am now willing to take this chance and do something different. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to change my old unhelpful ways of thinking and behaving.

Thank you my beloved for this opportunity (despite the growing pain) and give me strength to stick with it and move through it :-)

To err is human; to forgive divine (Alexander Pope)

I read this little meditation this morning and I thought its a perfect message for the Forgiveness Project.

'If I am unable to accept the fact that people make mistakes, am I not rejecting them as human beings? Even more to the point: does my ability to accept my own failings cause me to see myself as not measuring up?

For my own peace of mind, I need to forgive even the most damaging transgression; but forgiveness of others can only come when I have learned to forgive myself.

For today: I pray for a forgiving heart and the willingness to let go of bitterness.'

Isn't that a beautiful message to start the day with?

All you need is love - Day 11

This morning, when I checked all my cyberspace correspondences, I watched again the video link from Duane O'Kane about spreading love on 9/11 and seeing how much love people have and are willing to give it away really moved me. I saw myself in the video and so many other friends from the Clearmind Community singing 'All you need is love' from the Beatles and I felt such a big sense of love, connection and gratefulnees (does that word actually exist??) that i had a few tears running down my cheeks. 

Seeing people reaching out and connecting with total strangers because they want to inject a little bit more love into our hearts and into the world was a good reminder of what is truly important for me in my life. No grievances, hurt feelings, the need to be right (or wrong), no money, status, or prestige, no 'perfect' body or job can EVER give me the same loving, satisfying and deeply happy feeling that I get when I connect with people from a place of love and really experience the heart to heart connection. It's an energy I've never found anywhere else (and trust me, I've been looking for it in all kinds of places - in the wrong ones usually).

As the Course of Miracles says, the only thing that's real is love. And so it is. 

Today, I choose to be mindful and grateful for all the love that is around me and I also decided to do a 30 Days of Love Project after this one. But coming back to the theme of this project, forgiveness, I think it ties in really well with the notion of love because, how can I love without forgiving. How can I see the innocence in someone when I still hold on to the belief that this person or situation has wronged or harmed me? How can I experience freedom from old beliefs that I have made up about myself, certain people or situations in my past in order to move towards peace and happiness? 

For me, forgiveness and letting go of the past (and the future) is a crucial ingredient to experiencing peace, love, joy and contentment in the present. And today I'm letting go of my worries about how to afford all the different training courses that I want to do, my thoughts and feelings about relationships, my shame and guilt about the things I have done in the past whilst in active addiction and my (mistaken) fear of not being loveable for who I am..... I am gonna let all of this go and fill myself up with gratitude and with the love from my higher power and from the people around me.

Ahhhh, that feels goooooooood. Try it yourself!

'All you need is love....'

Days 9 & 10 of TFP

I feel like im out of touch a little bit with the project, perhaps its because I didnt manage to write anything yesterday that i feel somehow disconnected...or maybe its more tiredness and exhaustion than actual disconnection.

I sometimes feel like I need to come up with philosophical and really insightful posts everyday to keep myself and everyone who reads this blog interested in what i'm doing, because otherwise no one is gonna bother reading it. Sometimes my ego can have me over and it would tell me that writing this blog is just a cheap attempt of getting some attention, that I dont actually have anything valuable to say, that the way I write is crap and that nobody wants to hear about it anyway. So to overcome this I would then think that I have to write something really special and exciting every day to compensate for my ego thoughts and to 'prove' the fact that I do write about meaningful things.

This kind of ego talk can get very loud at times, so loud that it would stop me (and has done so a lot in my past) from doing the things that I actually want to do. For example, in the past it has stop me wearing certain clothes because I would be conscious of what people may say about me, it has stopped me from singing in a choir because of my fears of singing in front of people, it has stopped me building friendships and telling people how I really feel about them because of my projected fear of how they may respond. And the big underlying fear was and sometimes still is that people may reject me and that I'm not being liked for who I am. And in my attempts to avoid this from happening I would put on many different masks to please others, to be liked and accepted.

So, for me this blog (and the Forgiveness Project) is a massive step towards living by my value of being authentic, of being real and sharing myself with others. When I write, I write from my heart, no masks, no fakeness. That's why I needed to say out loud about my fears of not writing 'insightful' posts every day and to remind myself that I'm special, valuable and loveable regardless of the quantity and quality of my posts or the entire blog for this matter.

Wow, writing this has just helped me to return to a very loving place within my self. I guess sometimes it  is quiet important to remind oneself of the value we have deep within us that cannot be measured by worldly means. It is pure, innocent and loving, it is given from the higher power outside ourselves and it is there in abundance.

With this in mind and heart I wish everyone a lovely sunday evening and a good night.

Day 8 of TFP

Today, I had my first dispute with my female work colleague, or better said she had her first dispute with me. Because I didn't clean the toilets to her standard (or like she used to clean them for the past months). She actually did the whole finger waggling thing and told me off for not cleaning the shower properly. She got really upset about it and amplified the whole thing so much that it turned into a full-blown lecture about working ethics and how we all have to pull our weight and so on and so forth (by the way i've not even started working there yet officially).

Anyway, I just looked at her and admitted that I could have been more thorough and that I see how important cleanliness is to her (to me too, dont get me wrong but I'm not OCD with it). But what I could really see was how much she cared for this place and how much she wants it to be nice and pretty. And I also suspect that she may feel very protective over 'her baby', by that I mean the work place, because she has been working there as the only consistent person for quiet some time, doing most of the work herself and probably most of it voluntarily.

So instead of getting all defensive and attacking back I tried to understand how she might feel about somebody new (and especially a woman) working there. And I guess the best way to understand her is to ask her directly how she feels about me working there and how she thinks that may impact on her role  in this place. Right now I'm projecting my own assumptions of how I might feel if I were in her shoes on to her, and I suppose I may feel like my place is being taken away, I might feel not important and not valued anymore or I may even feel pushed aside, rejected and abandoned. These are all strong projections and they may just be all mine but I suppose its worth having a conversation about it with her to find out.

I suppose this is also an important aspect of forgiveness, the willingness and curiosity to find out what it is like to be in the other person's shoes, to see the world from their perspective and enquire about what it is like for them. By being willing to try to understand someone (which doesnt equal excusing their behaviour) I move away from the 'victim mode' and of wanting to be right and move towards compassion, forgiveness and ultimately happiness as I am free me from all the grievances I may hold on to.

With that in mind I shall ask her for a conversation (not a 'chat' or 'talk') and share with her my thoughts and feelings about my new role and ask her for hers. :-)

An interesting phone call on Day 7 of TFP

Today, I had the first inappropriate phone call at work (I started working at an ayurvedic wellness centre). A guy rang and asked in a round-about way for a 'special' kind of massage. He told me about his previous massage experience and went quiet detailed into how his body responded physically to touch. He asked me if I would give massages and got a little bit inappropriate. First I didnt klick on to it but then I think he was after some kind of reaction, but for some reasons, I didnt feel shocked at all. I actually felt quiet sad for him and I thought straight away of my commitment to seeing the innocence in everyone and to seeing their behaviour either as a call for love or act of love.

And this is what I want him to know:

Dear Mr so and so, I hear your call for love and I feel sad that you have to reach out for connection in such a way. I suspect that this kind of acting out behaviour is covering up a lot of pain and probably even guilt and shame for you and a much deeper lying wound. I have compassion for you.

My wish for you is to to find a way of uncovering what is really going on for that leaves you in such a desperate place that you feel you have to act like that. And I hope that whatever this wound may be healed so that you can learn to love and receive love in a healthy and meaningful way.

You are still an innocent child of God and I care about you. 

I think this is a powerful example of applying the principles of forgiveness. 

Containment struggles on Day 6

Today I want, no not just want, NEED to forgive myself for trying to distract myself from my feelings by eating a lot of chocolate biscuits and cake even though i know they are not good for me.

I got some, well shall we say interesting news the other night, which muddled up all my fantasies and plans that I made in my head and left me feeling somehow disappointed, gutted and I suppose empty and lonely inside. Which in itself would be very interesting to explore, i mean the hole topic of how much emotion I attach to my fantasies of how things may work out and if the dont its like im on a proper come-down and crash, but I may leave that exploration for another topic....

So today I learnt about myself that I still sometimes use food as a way of acting in, by which i mean of trying to fix or escape certain feelings by doing something to myself, which is in my case eating. a lot. I know that some of you (who know me) might not believe that i would eat a lot (since im only petite) but trust me, if it comes down to eating away my feelings I could probably enter one of those American Hot Dog Eating competitions and I bet I would win (maybe not with hot dogs but definitely with cakes!)

So where was I...ah yes, so I've noticed (once again) that i find it soooooooooo hard to sit and experience what i (or my ego) labels as inner emptiness and loneliness. there is absolutely no reason for me to feel that way if i think of all the abundance that is in my life but because i have attached so much meaning to this one thing which i cant have right now it feels like i've got nothing anymore. and instead of doing something loving and reassuring in this time, such as reconnecting to my source of love or making a gratitude list, i choose to eat chocolate biscuits (and it didnt even do the fucking trick - surprise, surprise).

But the beauty in all this is that I do not experience any feelings of self-disgust, guilt or shame like I have done when I was right in the middle of my eating disorder. Today I look at myself through loving and compassionate eyes and I know that there is nothing I need to forgive myself for because there is nothing that I have done that needs to be forgiven.

I'm learning and growing and every challenge offers a new opportunity to make a stand for who I am in the middle of my struggle. Today I struggled with containing the feelings of disappointment, loneliness and maybe even a sense of loss (well that's what my ego made up about this situation) and I tried to escape them rather than just feeling them. I will practice compassion and love for myself and remind myself of all the beautiful things I have in my life.

And I also got a lot of insights around how quickly I form attachments, especially emotional attachments and I think it calls for some deeper investigation. One day. Not tonight though.

Day 5 of TFP

First of all i need to let go of how annoyed I'm feeling right now about wasting so much time trying to format my blog and organise it so that anyone who clicks on the start page is not bombarded with lengthly posts. I just spend at least 2 hours on that flipping webpage and all I managed to do is to finally figure out how to create another header.....i am officially the worst techno retard that ever walked the planet (please excuse my not 'PC-ness' but there's no other name for it). Arrrghhh.....

Anyway, this is the beauty of writing a post on forgiveness. I have a choice now to either hang on to it and really dwell on the fact that I just spent (no not spent, wasted!!!) 2 hours on something so trivial, or I can look at it through different eyes. I could thank myself for the endurance, patience and commitment that I have shown by sticking to something even though it frustrates me and touches on some old beliefs that I used to have about myself, e.g. being stupid.

Hmmm, I guess the choice is pretty obvious. And thinking about this a little more, what comes to me is that the reason why I stuck with it was because I wanted to work it out, I wanted to go beyond the struggle and see what comes out the other end. I had a goal, an intention and I went for it despite the obstacles. I suppose this doesn't just apply to formatting a webpage but to many other situations that I encounter in life. Isn't it amazing how actually every little moment can be a reflection of the 'bigger' life itself if we only take a moment and really connect with what we are making this moment mean.

This is another example of how I have a choice in how I perceive the world and everyone in it including myself. For example, for a long time I held the belief about myself that I have no endurance and never stick with anything especially not when it required some work and perseverance. And what I would usually do is to quit and try something new until I hit the same point, the same wall again. And again. And again.

I would secretly admire everyone who would show a real commitment to their hobby, who's been a relationship for more than 2 years (yep, that's usually my cut-off point), or someone who shows real dedication to something despite immense difficulties. Yes, I admire these people and always wanted to be like them. I always wanted to stick with something, for once. Anything.

So, this is where I'm coming full circle now because what I have learned about myself from this brief moment (well a brief moment that lasted 2 hours) is that I actually do have perseverance. I am committed and I can stick to something once I put my mind to it and I do follow through with it despite challenges. I have all the qualities that I only saw in others and not in myself. Now I know that they were all inside of me all along (otherwise I wouldn't have been able to spot them in others) and that I am making good use of them.

And here are the things I have and will continue to commit to:
- going running (been doing that for the past 6 years (some months more often than others)
- to practice yoga (been doing that for 2 years)
- actively continue to maintain friendships (since about 2 years)
- am a student of A Course in Miracles (about 9 months)
- am committed to be authentic and to the innocence in everyone (that's the hardest one, 10 months so far)
- oh and I started to go to a choir and take Tango lessons (because I always wanted to learn how to sing and dance)


Isn't life amazing when we look at it with a different mindset, a mindset that is based on love, openness and curiosity?  I love how my attempts of changing my thinking and perceiving the world is impacting on how I feel about  others and myself and what incredible tools this is giving me to fully experience REAL LOVE, REAL JOY and REAL CONNECTION.

Thank you ACIM and CM.

Day 4 of TFP

I have not been too great today to be honest. Been feeling really tired and run down and everything just seemed like such an effort. I woke up with a big rain cloud hanging over my window and it just wouldnt go away (it actually did rain all day today). And I feel like I was having just one of those days where everything goes wrong. I got splashed at by cars, made a big scratch on the surface of my new desk AND on the new coffee table (which resulted in my dad having a good rant at me for not being careful and not valuing things) and I forgot to take important documents to the job centre. So, all in all I'd consider this day as not one of my best.

Which, now that I'm thinking about is, is probably part of the problem. Me considering, i.e. judging what makes my day a good or a bad one. I suppose there actually aren't any good or bad days, they are just days and what makes them 'good' or 'bad' depends on what I'm projecting on to them. For example, I'm choosing to judge today as a 'bad' day because I felt tired and didn't get all the things done I intended to. And instead of being grateful for my body's incredible feedback system to my brain (it's letting me know that it needs to rest), I almost punish myself for it by feeling disappointed and frustrated with myself. How insane is that? Instead of giving my body, mind and soul the rest it deserves and asks for, I force myself to keep going and going until I get ill, either physically, mentally or spiritually (usually its a combination of all 3).

But I'm going to do something different right now. I'm gonna finish this post and take real good care of my wee Anni who's asking for some TLC... and you shall have my beautiful little girl.

So, candles on, bath is running, relaxing music in the background and an early night...

Good night folks and ever now and then (more often now than then), give yourself and the little one within some well-deserved rest.

N'night x

Day 3 of TFP

Ok, so after a rather long and quite philosophical post earlier on, this one is going to be a short one. 

I am forgiving the f.....g driver who nearly run me over in his f....... BMW when i was cycling all peacefully through Berlin, singing along, on the top of my voice to my favorite song. I guess you woman (yes it was a woman!!!), were in such a rush to get home because you were running late and your husband has cooked a wonderful dinner just for you (for the first time ever) and you wanted to show him your appreciation and how much you love him by at least being on time (especially because you know his cooking is awful). So I really understand your urgency and I forgive you for nearly killing me as a result of it. I know that you were just acting out of love for your hubbie and I hope you two have a lovely evening despite of causing me a ‘near-death’ experience.

.....

Writing this is actually making me laugh (out loud) which is attracting a funny look from the guy who’s sitting across the table from me. And he smiles. So writing this does not only lift my anger and makes me be able to laugh about it, it actually also makes other people smile.

Brilliant, what an amazing ripple effect of practicing forgiveness!!!

Delayed Post on Day 2 of TFP

Right so i’m already starting to get behind with my posts and its only just day 2. Great. Well I suppose i better forgive myself quickly for that and remind myself that not posting for one day is NOT a reflection of my commitment to this project and does NOT make me a bad person. In contrast, I’m perfectly imperfect and a wonderful being (that is actually something a stranger said to me the other morning when i was running....what a lovely thing to hear first thing in the morning :-).

Anyway, what i really wanted to share about forgiveness yesterday was actually more in relation to gratitude. Yesterday I made a huge discovery and it totally blew me away. So much so that i had tears of happiness in my eyes and had to explain to my mum that these are not tears of sadness (which is usually the case when she sees my crying) but tears of joy and happiness. And that touched her so much that she joined in, and there we were, mother and daughter weeping together in appreciation of life and of our journeys that led us to a place where we can appreciate EVERY aspect of life (especially its challenges).

Gosh, i’m getting a bit side-tracked here, focus Anna, this is a project about forgiveness not gratefulness.....but these 2 concepts appear to be closer related than i initially thought. well, too be honest, i never actually thought about these two things together and that there could be a correlation (sorry, but that’s my scientific streak coming out) between the level of forgiveness and the extend of gratefulness that one might experience as the result of it. 

So yesterday was the day the penny really dropped for me (it was more like a $100 bill in a coin version). I felt so much gratitude for where I am in my life right now, for the things that im doing - things i always wanted to do but never did (because i choose to stay in my littleness and not in my magnificence), for the wonderful people in my life, for my health and incredible body that just keeps on healing and healing despite all the harm i’ve caused it for years. But most of all i felt grateful for my ability to actually really experience and feel all of it. i mean to soak up, hold and contain these feelings and to be so present with all of them. 

Then I realised that I would have never been able to see and fully experience all this beauty in my life if it wouldn’t be for the journey I had to take to arrive at where I am today. I  am grateful for every hurt I experienced (and there were frigging many), for every struggle I had to go through, for every pain and despair I had to experience. And this is were forgiveness comes in. I forgive all the people whose behavior I wrongly perceived and interpreted as causing me harm (yes, even the man in the door) and I want to thank you for giving me these opportunities to grow into the person I am today. Without all of you and what I experienced through you I am who I am right now. And I really like it. Really like me!

And this is how forgiveness links with gratefulness. For me anyway. I know its been a rather long post but i think once one starts thinking about this kind of stuff it’s like a door’s beeing opened and penny-drop moments just keep happening.

For anyone who actually did manage to read the whole thing I want to say thank you and I’d love to hear about your thoughts/experiences on the relationship of forgiveness and gratitude.....

So, give your self a big hug and appreciate the magnificence of your beautiful being (yes, especially BECAUSE of all your lovable imperfections) and be )even just a little bit) grateful for all your ‘opportunities’ to grow - because that’s what al our struggles actually are. Do you feel your grievances shrinking? ....... (if not try again).........(and again).  :-)

The song I cant stop listening to... http://youtu.be/CZMBTuSQycA

Day 1 of TFP

Okay so today was the first day that I consciously tried to practice forgiveness and I think the most significant situation in which i really worked hard to apply this idea happen during the early hours of this morning. I've been having real bad insomnia for the past few nights and been up until 3, 4 am, unable to settle and to fall asleep. In the past this would really frustrate me and I would become very anxious about not being able to sleep. This anxiety would grow and grow and i'd check my clock every half an hour thinking 'oh shit, now it's 2.30am and I have to get up in 4 hours and i'm not gonna be able to get through the day'. And i put more pressure on myself to fall asleep and the vicious cycle of anxiety and not sleeping goes on and on.... So today (or this morning) i just lay there thinking, 'well Anna, there's nothing you can do now, don't judge yourself or pressure yourself. Enjoy this time to daydream and to meditate. Time isnt real and most of all it is NOT your fault that you have an active mind. I told myself about all the changes I'm going through and how natural it is to feel unsettled about it. By doing that I actually started to feel some compassion with myself and gave myself a big hug (yes even though i was lying in bed) and ensured myself to just trust my body and that it will make sure that it gets what it needs when it needs it (does that make sense?) I eventually did fall asleep around 3ish and of course I woke up very tired this morning. But I somehow felt energised and I even went for an early morning run through the wonderful park that is just at the bottom of my road. I felt so grateful for my wonderful healthy body being able to do that even though it didnt get enough rest and for the energy to go out this early and to just run and be surrounded and re-energised by mother nature. Once I let go of my projected fear of not being able to 'survive' the day with enough sleep and by just accepting that what is, just is, I actually felt more peaceful and less anxious. And once again it proves that fear is not real, its just an illusion and that, in fact, there isnt even anything to forgive myself for, because nothing needs to be forgiven. My initial frustration and attack on myself for not falling asleep where a cry for love for myself (because I wanted to give myself enough rest) and because it didnt happen the way I thought would be best I attacked myself for not doing it right (not even being able to fall asleep). Instead of buying into it, I choose to have compassion with myself and it did work :-) So learning for today - looking through eyes of compassion rather than attack erases the need for forgiveness as we wont 'see' anything that needs to be forgiven!

I'm taking part in The Forgiveness Project

So, I've taking up the challenge and agreed to take part in my friend's Forgiveness Project (http://explorationsofelloaness.blogspot.com/p/forgiveness-project.html). Meaning that I seriously commit to practice true forgiveness every single day for 30 days. What a challenge! Is that really possible? Can I really not hold grudges against anyone or anything (not even against my stupid internet when it cuts out - ooops, there already was a grudge...)

I guess it may help to first of all think about what forgiveness means to me. Hmmm....
I suppose for me forgiveness has to do with making a choice. A choice about how I want to look at a certain situation, event or person and how I interpret it, i.e. what am I making this mean.
It is also about choosing to let go, choosing love over grievances, choosing happiness over the need to be right. And most of all it's about the discipline of choosing to see other people's AND our own actions and behaviors as either an act of love or a cry for love and to see the other person and ourself as innocent. And this is probably the hardest thing for me, to forgive myself and to see my innocence.

So with this in mind Im going to take up the challenge of practicing forgiveness for self and others on a daily basis and to report on it on a daily basis. And with that i'm doing my wee bit for world peace (well at least for the next 30days).

Lets join forces and let the Forgiveness Revolution begin! Hurrrrayyyyy!!!!!!