Containment struggles on Day 6

Today I want, no not just want, NEED to forgive myself for trying to distract myself from my feelings by eating a lot of chocolate biscuits and cake even though i know they are not good for me.

I got some, well shall we say interesting news the other night, which muddled up all my fantasies and plans that I made in my head and left me feeling somehow disappointed, gutted and I suppose empty and lonely inside. Which in itself would be very interesting to explore, i mean the hole topic of how much emotion I attach to my fantasies of how things may work out and if the dont its like im on a proper come-down and crash, but I may leave that exploration for another topic....

So today I learnt about myself that I still sometimes use food as a way of acting in, by which i mean of trying to fix or escape certain feelings by doing something to myself, which is in my case eating. a lot. I know that some of you (who know me) might not believe that i would eat a lot (since im only petite) but trust me, if it comes down to eating away my feelings I could probably enter one of those American Hot Dog Eating competitions and I bet I would win (maybe not with hot dogs but definitely with cakes!)

So where was I...ah yes, so I've noticed (once again) that i find it soooooooooo hard to sit and experience what i (or my ego) labels as inner emptiness and loneliness. there is absolutely no reason for me to feel that way if i think of all the abundance that is in my life but because i have attached so much meaning to this one thing which i cant have right now it feels like i've got nothing anymore. and instead of doing something loving and reassuring in this time, such as reconnecting to my source of love or making a gratitude list, i choose to eat chocolate biscuits (and it didnt even do the fucking trick - surprise, surprise).

But the beauty in all this is that I do not experience any feelings of self-disgust, guilt or shame like I have done when I was right in the middle of my eating disorder. Today I look at myself through loving and compassionate eyes and I know that there is nothing I need to forgive myself for because there is nothing that I have done that needs to be forgiven.

I'm learning and growing and every challenge offers a new opportunity to make a stand for who I am in the middle of my struggle. Today I struggled with containing the feelings of disappointment, loneliness and maybe even a sense of loss (well that's what my ego made up about this situation) and I tried to escape them rather than just feeling them. I will practice compassion and love for myself and remind myself of all the beautiful things I have in my life.

And I also got a lot of insights around how quickly I form attachments, especially emotional attachments and I think it calls for some deeper investigation. One day. Not tonight though.