Gratitude...

Me and Anni

I just wanted to share with you what a wonderful weekend I had with Anni. Oh, I guess not everyone knows who Anni is...well met me introduce her. Anni is the cutest, most loveable and innocent inner child you could ever imagine. She's lives right inside my heart and sometimes wanders around in my tummy if she wants to talk to me. She has this beautiful gentle and quiet voice, which I only began to notice (because it is so soft) a couple of years ago and im learning more and more to understand her unique language the more I begin to 'calm down' and stop running away from it. I think for many many years I thought that she was something I needed to escape from, not realising that I was trying to run away from my self and with that dismissed the most wounded part inside of me...

...so now that me and Anni are beginning to get to know each other, or better said I'm beginning to acknowledge her again and listen to her needs and wishes (and trust me, wee Anni is quiet demanding, or maybe just in need of a lot of healing, joy and unconditional love), I'm trying to spend more and more qualitative time with her. As I'm writing this I am aware that some folks may think I'm schizophrenic and have a split personality, but rest assured dear friends all is well with me, really well :-)

So yesterday, I took Anni out to the park, actually just a walk but then she led me to this playground and we ended up on the swings. Wow, I forgot how much fun it is to swing, to let yourself fall back and watch the sky and the trees as you swing from one end to the other. We loved it!!! It was amazing. Being able to let go of everything and to just be a child again and play. Wonderful!!!

And then in the evening we went to watch the ballet Les Esmerald, which was totally over the top and cheesy but sooooo good. And the funny thing was that I actually recognised myself far too many times with the main character and the things she did when she was madly in love, but that is an entire different topic for another day.

And I think because I spend quiet a lot of time with Anni recently I noticed also my ever increasing desire to have some real (human) children of my own... I mean I'm not getting desperate or anything like that but I'm just noticing how I'm beginning to nest, to connect and heal my inner child and it all feels like preparation for the real thing, well baby I mean.....and obviously there is still a key ingredient missing but I'm sure that will come in time.

So for now, I love love love spending time with Anni, to laugh with her, to cry with her, to play with her.

And I want to encourage you all to make some time for your little inner child and to just PLAY, PLAY, PLAY. 

Ängste... sich bloß nix von den weißmachen lassen!

Ach, wie wunderschön das Leben doch ist, und auch so spannend.
Ich bin gestern aufgewacht mit Ängsten und Zweifeln über meine Entscheidung mich selbstständig zu machen, die Arbeit von Clearmind International nach Berlin zu bringen, und noch viele viele andere. Sie waren so stark und überwältigend, das ich an gar nichts anderes mehr denken konnte und von ihnen fast so richtig konsumiert wurde. Furchtbar!

Aber, in diesen Momenten erinnert ich mich oder bzw. wurde von ganz lieben Freunden daran erinnert, das ich immer eine Wahl habe. Ich kann entweder wählen mich meinen Ängsten völlig hinzugeben und Entscheidungen treffen die in die Richtung meines Egos und meiner Ängste gehen, ODER ich kann mich dazu entscheiden trotz dieser Ängste in die Richtung meiner Träume und Ziele zu gehen.

Etwas das Duane O'Kane immer sagt ist: "When not now then when?" und das hat gestern den Nagel so richtig auf den Kopf für mich getroffen. Das muss man sich mal so richtig auf der Zunge zergehen lassen...When not now, than when? ... Wieviele Möglichkeiten habe ich schon verpasst, weil ich nie den Mut hatte es JETZT zu tun, was immer das auch war. Also, Wenn nicht jetzt, dann wann werde ich den Schritt in die Selbstständigkeit und damit in die Selbstverwirklichung gehen? Wenn nicht jetzt, dann wann werde ich den Clearmind Info Abend veranstalten? Wenn nicht jetzt, dann wann werde ich Verantwortung für mein eigenes Wohlergehen und meine Lebensfreude übernehmen?

Also Anna, raus aus der Opfer Rolle und rein in den Tatendrang. Und es hat funktioniert. Und wie. Raum für den Info Abend angesehen, nicht lange rum gezögert und gebucht. Angefangen Konzepte für meine website zu schreiben, und designs für Flyers und Visitenkarten überlegt. Alle, vor mich hin geschobenen Formulare ausgefüllt und abgeschickt. Es ist einfach unglaublich wieviel Energie und Elan auf einmal in mir aufsteigt, wenn ich action-steps gehe, die mich meinem Ziel näher bringen und mich nicht davon entfernen.

Mir ist wirklich nocheinmal so ganz bewusst geworden, wie wichtig es für mich ist, mich immer wieder zu fragen, "Was wähle ich in diesem Moment? Wer bin ich in diesem Moment? Was lehre ich in diesem Moment, wenn meine Angst so stark wird?" Lehre ich, das es OK für mich ist, mich von meiner Angst kontrolieren zu lassen und mich von meinem eigentlichen Ziel abkommen zu lassen? Ist das wer ich bin? Nein, ich möchte lehren zu vertrauen, ich möchte lehren das ich nicht meine Ängste bin und das ich trotz dieser voran schreite in die Richtung in die ICH gehen möchte, in die Richtung die mir Erfüllung und Freude bringt. Und ich lehre UND lerne dies nur durch's demonstrieren.

Lang genug hab ich mich von meinen Ängsten gefangen halten lassen, es ist Zeit auszubrechen, frei zu weden und mich selbst zu verwirklichen! Hurray, Freeeeeeeeeeedoooooooommmm.

Virtuelle Liebe

Heute hatte ich meine erste Online-Klasse von der transpersonellen Psychotherapie Ausbildung an der ich teilnehme und es war einfach unglaublich. Ich muss ja zugeben das ich zuerst sehr skeptisch war das man so eine Ausbildung, die ja nicht nur aus Theorie besteht, sondern hauptsächlich aus Selbsterfahrung in einer Gruppe, überhaupt eine Verbindung zu den anderen Teilnehmern aufbauen kann, geschweige denn die Emotionen und Gefühle so richtig fühlen kann. Aber, oh my God, lag ich falsch. Schon bei der Vorstellungsrunde flossen meine Tränen und mein Herz war so offen und ich fühlte so viel Wärme, Mitgefühl und Liebe für meine 'Mitstreiter' die ich erst seit einer Stunde kenne und die aus ganz verschieden Teilen der Welt kommen.

Das hat mich wirklich umgehauen, und mir gelehrt das Liebe und wahre Verbindung mit Menschen überhaupt gar nichts damit zu tun hat wo wir mit unserem physischen Körper gerade geographisch sind, oder mit unserem Alter, unser Geschichte oder sonst irgendwelchen so-genannten Gemeinsamkeiten. Das einzige was man zu einer ehrlichen und liebevollen Verbindung braucht ist ein offenes Herz und die Bereitschaft sich in seiner Verletzlichkeit zu zeigen, gesehen zu werden und dann die entgegenkommende Liebe anzunehmen.

Seit meinem ersten Workshop (The Awakening) in Clearmind International, habe ich gelernt mein Herz zu öffnen und all die wunderbaren Dinge in mir und um mir herum wahrzunehmen, anzunehmen und weiter zugeben. Was für ein Geschenk es ist, mich selbst, die welt und jedem in dieser Welt mit anderen Augen sehen zukönnen. Mit Augen voller Liebe, die die Wunder dieser Welt und das Wunder das jeder von uns ist.

I love myself!

Today I spent the whole day in appreciation of myself, my inner goddess, my life and the universe - and I had such a blissful day.

I treated myself to a little lie-in this morning and a bit of a day dream, a kind of left-over daze from the wonderful dream. Do you know this feeling when you wake up exactly when the dream feels so good and you're experiencing something wonderful in your dream and when you wake up you're still left with this lovely feeling that you just felt in your dream? Well, that was exactly how I felt when I woke up and i just decided to embrace and really soak up this feeling a wee bit longer.....and it felt bloody good. it was a dream about having a right open heart and really feeling connected to someone, and i woke up with the feeling of love and connection - what a wonderful way to start the day. In fact, I suggest we all treat ourselves to an extra 5 minutes 'dream-daze-time' every time we wake up and want to hold on to the feeling of the dream we just had.

So, after feeling all warm and loved anyway I went for a wee run through the park. And I usually meet an old chinese man who's doing Chi Gong energy movements and we always great each other and I always wanted to ask him if I could join him but never did 'cause my head tells me not to bother him. But this morning I did, and his face lightened up. So there we were, 2 strangers connected through their hearts doing ancient chinese  energy exercises in the blissful sunshine somewhere in Berlin. That in itself felt like a miracle to me.

Afterwards, I felt how all the different energies were moving around in my body and decided to sit down in the sun and to just spend some time getting in touch with my inner goddess, my inner wise-woman who by the way is called Esmerald. It was the first time today that I had moments where I actually was right beside her and actually was her. Usually I just see her and speak to her but today I felt like I was part of her and I just wanted to love her and do her good. And suddenly I felt so much love and appreciation for myself and the Universe for making those feelings and experiences possible.

I also met a wonderful woman the other day and she is training in body works and needed clients to practice on. So today she treated me to a wonderful full body massage and again it just felt like I'm smothering myself and especially my inner Self with love and kindness. Ahhhhhh....

I cooked myself some wonderful and nourishing food (home-made soup and rice pudding mmhhhh....) and spend the evening connecting to some dear friends, listening to a story tape in candle light and am now going to bed to read a little bit more from my new fiction book (yes a fiction book and nothing related to work!!!).

What a blessing it is to take time to really be in the moment and to fully experience its beauty and magnificence. How blessed am I that I've been given all these lessons (and yes they were pretty painful at times and I had (and still do) take some extra rounds to really learn them) but if this is the price I get than, please Universe give me more of them. Lets not be greedy Anna (and be careful what you wish for), but every bit of pain and struggle I went through and the times when I thought I can't handle this anymore or wtf is this for, is all paying off now and making sense. I'm so standing in my power right now, full of grace and humbleness. I'm loving every aspect of my life and myself, I'm not lacking anything right now, no job, no relationship, not money, no perfect body or recovery. It's all perfect as it is right now and everything else is a bonus. And I can't actually belief I'm feeling this way. Never thought I would be able to feel 'enough' just with myself. Wow, what a long way I've come. With your help. Thank you!

Love, to you Esmerald, to you God.

Fears and Choices

Self-Love. What a concept!
Over the past four nights I've been sitting in front of my laptop, desperate to write a new post, to write anything, but nothing cam to me. It's not that I haven't practiced any self-love or felt the love from others over the past few days but something stopped me from sharing this on here. I dont even know what I'm going to write about now, but I fear that, if I dont write anything at all, I probably won't write anything for quiet a while... and that's not what I want either.

Right now, my head is telling me that I can only post something into the big wide world if it is of utter magnificence and worth the Nobel-Price. But this is not what this blog is about. The point of writing this blog is to help me express myself, to share a little bit of myself with whoever may read this, to be real. And this is me right now. I'm fearful about setting up a support group by myself, going freelance, and listening (and following) more to my heart rather than my head. I'm noticing how my coping strategies Mr. Avoidance and Mrs Procrastination are visiting me at the moment, in fact, they've been staying far too long now, and how they are contributing to my fears.

Today, I really felt this immense urge of running away again, of going on a holiday, taking on any kind of job or moving back to England. And for a few hours I really believed the self-sabotaging voice in my head and felt totally overwhelmed, helpless and incapable of anything......

But then I remembered what a very wise man (Duane O'Kane) told me yesterday. These feelings are JUST fears. They are not real. I can either choose to believe in them and keep myself small or just notice them and do the things I set out to do anyway. So, guess what, I obviously choose the second, and once I reminded myself that these thoughts are not real and actually dont mean anything I felt like a big burden had been lifted of my shoulders. Dont get me wrong, I'm still avoiding and procrastinating to do certain things but realising that I dont need to buy into my fears and that other people dont buy into my fears, gave enough motivation to start putting some actions into place.

I also remembered that there is a natural cycle - a rhythm to life and that right now I'm going through a time where I need to rest a bit more, where I need to take time out to relax and to look after myself. I need to remember that things take time to develop and dont need to be all sorted and 'ready' right this minute. Everything takes time to grow and to develop be it new ideas or even behaviour changes.

So, right now I'm experiencing a time where my inner voice is telling me to slow down, to arrive, to be patient and gentle....I'm noticing how difficult it is for me to follow this inner guidance and how my head wants to sabotage it, but I'm trying to stick with it. After all, this is about self-love.

Ich hab 'nen neues Project/ I'm starting a new Project

Nachdem ich einen Montat lang mich mit dem Thema Vergebung beschäftigt habe und viele Gelegenheiten Vergebung für mich Selbst und andere zu üben, dachte ich es wär doch mal an der Zeit sich mit der Liebe näher zu beschäftigen - vor allem mit der Selbst-Liebe.

Ich werde versuchen meine posts auf Englisch und Deutsch zu schreiben in der Hoffnung das euch meine Gedanken irgendwie erreichen. Und wenn sie euch noch dazu anregen eure Herzen zu öffnen, dann tragen wir alle dazu bei das es ein bisschen mehr Liebe auf dieser Welt gibt. Denn das ist das einzige was zählt und wahr ist - die LIEBE.

After occupying myself for a whole month with the topic of forgiveness and having had plenty of opportunities to practice forgiveness for myself and others, I thought it's about time to focus a little bit more on Love, and more specifically on Self-Love.

I'm gonna try to post my comments in both, English and German in the hope that my thoughts will reach you somehow. And if they even inspire you a little bit to open your hearts a wee bit more, than we'll all contribute to making this world a more loving place. Because Love is the only thing that really counts, it's the only thing that is real.

Reflections on the Forgiveness Project

So the 30 days of the Forgiveness Project are over and I have to say I'm glad! Not because practicing forgiveness was a hard task (that came surprisingly easy), but because I dont feel the pressure to post something now every day (in fact I havent anyway but trust me the guilty cloud of I should was still hanging over me).

So, what am I left with....

First of all, I'm left with an immense feeling of pride for committing to something and following it through right to the end, despite moments of creative- and ego-crisises. This is a big thing for me because my old pattern is to quit and to run whenever a crises pops up and not to stick with it like I did here.

I also learned a lot about myself, especially that it is a lot easier for me to forgive other people and to see their innocence than it is to forgive myself and to see my innocence. But since it is the Forgiveness Project I am choosing to forgive myself for struggling to forgive myself. And actually there is no need for any forgiveness anyway because there is no sin, only love.

Being in a framework of practising forgiveness had a real impact on the amount of things I perceive that 'need to be forgiven', which was so much less than I expected. It's really weird, suddenly people dont seem to annoy me as often as they used to, conflict arises less often, I feel myself less agitated by myself and others, my self-criticing ego and self-doubts have quietened. I feel more blissful, content, joyful and loving towards myself and others.

Doing this project has also inspired me to do write more and to commit to more similar projects. So far I want to write something to with choosing love over fear, walking on the path of magnitude (rather than littleness) and the teachings of the course in miracles....so watch this space!!!

And lastly, I want to express my appreciation and gratitude to everyone who has read my posts and walked the path of forgiveness along side me. Thank you for all your words of encouragement and your own thoughts and experiences and for allowing my to keeping my own forgiveness by giving it away.

As the course says: 'To teach is to demonstrate'. Let us al unite in becoming teachers and students of forgiveness and love.

Love to you all