Fears and Choices

Self-Love. What a concept!
Over the past four nights I've been sitting in front of my laptop, desperate to write a new post, to write anything, but nothing cam to me. It's not that I haven't practiced any self-love or felt the love from others over the past few days but something stopped me from sharing this on here. I dont even know what I'm going to write about now, but I fear that, if I dont write anything at all, I probably won't write anything for quiet a while... and that's not what I want either.

Right now, my head is telling me that I can only post something into the big wide world if it is of utter magnificence and worth the Nobel-Price. But this is not what this blog is about. The point of writing this blog is to help me express myself, to share a little bit of myself with whoever may read this, to be real. And this is me right now. I'm fearful about setting up a support group by myself, going freelance, and listening (and following) more to my heart rather than my head. I'm noticing how my coping strategies Mr. Avoidance and Mrs Procrastination are visiting me at the moment, in fact, they've been staying far too long now, and how they are contributing to my fears.

Today, I really felt this immense urge of running away again, of going on a holiday, taking on any kind of job or moving back to England. And for a few hours I really believed the self-sabotaging voice in my head and felt totally overwhelmed, helpless and incapable of anything......

But then I remembered what a very wise man (Duane O'Kane) told me yesterday. These feelings are JUST fears. They are not real. I can either choose to believe in them and keep myself small or just notice them and do the things I set out to do anyway. So, guess what, I obviously choose the second, and once I reminded myself that these thoughts are not real and actually dont mean anything I felt like a big burden had been lifted of my shoulders. Dont get me wrong, I'm still avoiding and procrastinating to do certain things but realising that I dont need to buy into my fears and that other people dont buy into my fears, gave enough motivation to start putting some actions into place.

I also remembered that there is a natural cycle - a rhythm to life and that right now I'm going through a time where I need to rest a bit more, where I need to take time out to relax and to look after myself. I need to remember that things take time to develop and dont need to be all sorted and 'ready' right this minute. Everything takes time to grow and to develop be it new ideas or even behaviour changes.

So, right now I'm experiencing a time where my inner voice is telling me to slow down, to arrive, to be patient and gentle....I'm noticing how difficult it is for me to follow this inner guidance and how my head wants to sabotage it, but I'm trying to stick with it. After all, this is about self-love.