The meaninglessness of Time and Space.

I don't know if that comes as a surprise for some people but guys, let me tell you, there really is no meaning in time and space. Seriously, there isn't. I don't know if anyone ever had the experience of meeting someone who you haven't seen in years and but you straight away feel connected again? Or you've met someone for the very first time and you feel like you've known this person forever?

I'm having a lot of these experiences recently - and they are frigging magical. People coming into my life who I have 'known' for over a decade (Gosh, that makes me sound sooooo old and I'm not even 30 yet...) and never actually really 'knew'. Never had real conversations with them, a lot of chatting and talking yes, but real conversations? Hardly. 

What happens during all this time we spent apart. I was convinced that its only ME who is growing up and developing and obviously everyone else is still doing their own little shitty things that they've done before. No adventures, no exploration, no curiosity...boring, mundane lives.

And then, I meet with them again and am struck by their insights and growth. It feels like I'm actually meeting this person for the very first time. We are having conversations. Real conversations about ourselves, our struggles, adventures, vulnerabilities and blissfulness. We are forming a bond not based on time or space but on heart to heart conversations.

What a gift comes from being open and curious, from really meeting people and sharing oneself with others. I'm blessed with incredible people from my life and grateful for every single person who has been in my life, is in my life and who is yet to come.

....And I shall let them know about it. Right now  :-)  

Metamorphosis.

So much sadness hidden so deep inside me for so long. So many years of maltreatment, of punishment. So many years of not knowing that there is a light inside me. So many years of depriving this light to shine. So many years of deprivation, period. 

Deprivation of the basic human needs. Of food, of love, of happiness, of connection. Many years I spent treating my body and my soul like it was my enemy. I either didn‘t nourish myself at all, or stuffed my body with all harmful substances i could find. And for what? To find release. To find release from myself. To make ME go away. To stop feeling myself, because what I was feeling felt unbearable. 

I was crippled by fear of experiencing myself - of experiencing the deeply buried sadness of all the loss that i‘d experienced, of all the guilt that i‘ve been carrying, of all the shame that consumed me. I didnt know any other way to escape these feelings but to numb me. To numb me through  food, alcohol, and relationships. Anything that took me away from myself I welcomed with open arms.

And yet, on the outside I seem to have it all together. Studying, working, ‘achieving‘. Living the expected life - and seemingly doing it well. Yet, inside me i felt like i was dying. I felt cut off and so incredibly lonely. I felt captured in a prison that i build myself with walls so high an thick that is felt impossible to break through. I felt like a fraud, like a fake, a phony. But again I could‘nt let anyone see this. Oh no, not me, not the Anna who wants to show everyone how strong she is, how self-efficent, and most of all  how she doesn‘t need anyone. I‘m a soldier, I‘m a fighter and I‘m fighting my own war, fighting myself. 

......... 

White flag. Surrendered.

But something inside me didn‘t want to live like that anymore. Couldn‘t live like that anymore. I was craving love, desperatly seeking release from all this pain, recognising the need for self-love and self-acceptance - to survive. I had lost myself... or maybe I never had myself in the first place. Never knew me. Never knew about my loveliness, my innocence, my qualities and assetts. Never really got to know my true self. WHO AM I? And most importantly ‘Who am I in the presence of others?‘ 

I am now beginning to get to know myself. And I know now that I have a light, that is beautiful and is desperate to be seen in this world. I‘m discovering what brings me joy, makes me sad? What am I hurting about, what am I grateful for? What excites me, what challenges me? I‘m curious - about me, the world, and everyone in it. I‘m carrying so much love for the world inside me and I‘m committed to see the beauty and innocence behind everyone‘s eyes. Regardless if they‘re reaching out for love or extending love.

And most importantly I‘m falling in love with myself every day a little bit more. I‘m nourishing myself, treating myself resepctfully and with love and forgiveness. I‘m caring and gentle to myself and give myself the gift of play time and the freedom  to be ME.

I feel like I‘m going through a metamorphosis, a transformation from a cartepillar into a beautiful butterfly. 

And realising that I have been the butterfly all along. I just couldnt see. Now I can.

HELLO, YOU FRIENDLY WORLD. 

HELLO, ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. 

I WANT TO KNOW YOU. 

I WANT TO TAKE PART IN THE WORLD. I AM PART OF THE WORLD. 

I AM PART OF IT SIMPLE BECAUSE I AM ME. 

I AM ANNA - PERFECTLY IMPERFECT :-) 

Sein.

Ich lerne zu sein. Mit mir, bei mir, in mir.
Ich moechte singen und tanzen,
Mich vom Leben mitreissen lassen -
Und doch, eine Schwere, eine Last so tief in mir.

Schritt fuer Schritt, mich wiegen hin und her,
Ich habe traeume und traueme sie sehr
Das Licht in mir beginnt zu brennen
Es will hinaus und die Welt bekennen.

Ach, mein treuer Freund wie laut kannst du doch sein,
Du mit deinen Aengsten und Zweifelein
Wuerfst Schatten ueber mich und feangst mich ein
Dein Lasso um mein Hals laesst mich kalt und allein.

So viel zu tun,
So viel zu sehen,
Ich moechte singen und tanzen und wieder im Leben stehen.
Bitte lieber Freund, halte ein,
und lass mich wieder ich selbst sein.

The incredibleness of Mother Nature!

Berlin

Boxhagener Platz 

Boxhagener Platz. 9pm. People on benches, lying in the grass. debating, discussing, drinking, talking, shouting, reading. some smoke. some just lie there. looking up in the sky. watching the full moon raise above the roofs of the Altbaus. watching the clouds form and disolve and different shapes and colours. the moon is glowing in its yellow white light, giving its embracing clouds a warm gentle touch of love. 

people speak different languages. people are different. people are strangers. yet right now, right here, they’re coming together. at this place, at this time. sharing a moment of unity. together. together on the Boxhagener Platz. 

it’s getting dark. light is shining through windows. windows are open on this warm summer night. they’re letting their light shine. a warm homely light that says ‘here’s is home’. ‘here is love’. ‘here are you’. 

the moon is rising higher and higher. its dark. the moon is glowing in its full beauty and mystique. it is telling the story of the world. the story of the people on this world. and it looks down on us with a smile. smiling about his knowledge of abundance. abundance for everyone. smiling at the children of the earth coming together, being at one in their difference. at one on the Boxhagener Platz. 

It’s late now. people are leaving. retreating to their homes, their nests. some dont have homes. some dont have nests. some want to drink the night away, some dont want the night to end. some dont care. the passage of time doesnt listen to anyone’s heart. nature’s clock keeps ticking. tick. tock. no regard for human’s desires. but here, time seems to stand still. here, time has lost its power over humanity.  here, people have regained their power over time. here, nothing matterns. here, at the Boxhagener Platz.