Metamorphosis.

So much sadness hidden so deep inside me for so long. So many years of maltreatment, of punishment. So many years of not knowing that there is a light inside me. So many years of depriving this light to shine. So many years of deprivation, period. 

Deprivation of the basic human needs. Of food, of love, of happiness, of connection. Many years I spent treating my body and my soul like it was my enemy. I either didn‘t nourish myself at all, or stuffed my body with all harmful substances i could find. And for what? To find release. To find release from myself. To make ME go away. To stop feeling myself, because what I was feeling felt unbearable. 

I was crippled by fear of experiencing myself - of experiencing the deeply buried sadness of all the loss that i‘d experienced, of all the guilt that i‘ve been carrying, of all the shame that consumed me. I didnt know any other way to escape these feelings but to numb me. To numb me through  food, alcohol, and relationships. Anything that took me away from myself I welcomed with open arms.

And yet, on the outside I seem to have it all together. Studying, working, ‘achieving‘. Living the expected life - and seemingly doing it well. Yet, inside me i felt like i was dying. I felt cut off and so incredibly lonely. I felt captured in a prison that i build myself with walls so high an thick that is felt impossible to break through. I felt like a fraud, like a fake, a phony. But again I could‘nt let anyone see this. Oh no, not me, not the Anna who wants to show everyone how strong she is, how self-efficent, and most of all  how she doesn‘t need anyone. I‘m a soldier, I‘m a fighter and I‘m fighting my own war, fighting myself. 

......... 

White flag. Surrendered.

But something inside me didn‘t want to live like that anymore. Couldn‘t live like that anymore. I was craving love, desperatly seeking release from all this pain, recognising the need for self-love and self-acceptance - to survive. I had lost myself... or maybe I never had myself in the first place. Never knew me. Never knew about my loveliness, my innocence, my qualities and assetts. Never really got to know my true self. WHO AM I? And most importantly ‘Who am I in the presence of others?‘ 

I am now beginning to get to know myself. And I know now that I have a light, that is beautiful and is desperate to be seen in this world. I‘m discovering what brings me joy, makes me sad? What am I hurting about, what am I grateful for? What excites me, what challenges me? I‘m curious - about me, the world, and everyone in it. I‘m carrying so much love for the world inside me and I‘m committed to see the beauty and innocence behind everyone‘s eyes. Regardless if they‘re reaching out for love or extending love.

And most importantly I‘m falling in love with myself every day a little bit more. I‘m nourishing myself, treating myself resepctfully and with love and forgiveness. I‘m caring and gentle to myself and give myself the gift of play time and the freedom  to be ME.

I feel like I‘m going through a metamorphosis, a transformation from a cartepillar into a beautiful butterfly. 

And realising that I have been the butterfly all along. I just couldnt see. Now I can.

HELLO, YOU FRIENDLY WORLD. 

HELLO, ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. 

I WANT TO KNOW YOU. 

I WANT TO TAKE PART IN THE WORLD. I AM PART OF THE WORLD. 

I AM PART OF IT SIMPLE BECAUSE I AM ME. 

I AM ANNA - PERFECTLY IMPERFECT :-)