Good evening world,
before I say good night to the world and turn my light off, I just had the urge to quickly write about my little (well actually it was a rather long journey) from a point of crisis to communion.
I've hit a point in my relationship where I feel so fearful that my boyfriend is actually really going to see me, I mean we are at this stage now where we are proper showing up, where we are dropping our masks of presenting our selves in the best possible light, and admitting to each other our fears, past hurts and vulnerabilities. And thats pretty scary stuff.
The fact (and yes it is a fact) that someone is loving all parts of me, I mean even the parts that i consider (or have been considering) as my dark and unlovable parts, still sometimes blows my mind and actually frightens me. From time to time my head would think, yeah but if you would only really know me, you wouldnt say all those nice things about me, and you definitely wouldnt love me. I do know that this is just my ego's voice trying to keep me away from real connection and I most of the time I dont buy into it anymore, but from time to time it still comes up...and it came up the day before yesterday.
I was in a pretty tough place the other day and really struggled to feel any self-love for myself and as a result i couldnt understand how someone else could. I projected my anger that I had towards myself onto my boyfriend and leaked my self-agression by rejecting his warm efforts to extend love to me. Poor him, not a very nice place to be.
But what we managed to do was to really communicate about how we felt. I mean we both made a choice to really show up in this relationship and to confide to each other our deepest fears and how we feel in relation to the other's actions. It really landed on me yesterday what my lack of accountability and responsibility for my own feelings can impact on the other person. But I would not have found out about it if we wouldnt have had the courage to have an open and honest conversation about it, a conversation during which we show up and hear each other without attacking, blaming or defending.
And so we moved through this crisis. By communicating authentically about our feelings and experiences we got to see each other even more and not just see each other but love each other. to love that part that we thought (well i guess i can only speak for myself here) so the part that i thought is unlovable. And we got to place of such deep connection, as if our hearts and souls united themselves.
So, it just goes to show that real and honest communication and showing up authentically in the relationship enables true connection and brings a loving communion.
So, feeling full of love for Self, my boyfriend, the world and everyone in it.....I'm off to sleep now...good night you wonderful world xoxoxox
