Looking back on my life I can see how easily I give up on things and throw the baby out with the bath water instead of sticking with it and working through whatever crisis or difficulty I'm facing and actually experiencing what's it like on the other side. I have done (and am still doing it) in all areas of my life, relationships, work, recovery, appearance...
With regards to relationships, for example, once the relationship hits a crisis I leave and end it. Instead of using it as an opportunity to grow and to work through issues and grow closer and stronger together, I leave, or move away, or both. The same principle applies when it comes to my hobbies. Once the initial buzz of it is over and I have to put effort in to it, be disciplined and carry on practicing even though I dont want to, I start thinking that its not the right hobby for me and go looking for something else (just like I did with relationships). And the same pattern also plays out in even more banal things like letting my hair grow. I get so impatient and I'm somehow not prepared to endure the 'pain' of waiting until it grows past this awkward stage where it just doesnt seem to be a haircut at all and is all annoying, and I go and get it cut.
So what I'm trying to highlight here is my difficulty in sticking with things. Especially when it hits the point were the 'honeymoon' period is over and the work starts. When it requires discipline, endurance and effort. And today was a day where the internal need to 'run' and to quit was really high and I felt this huge urge to find some kind of release from it. I'm struggling adjusting to my new work and the in the past I used food to do so. I would binge in order to kill these restless and unsettling feelings. Since I dont do that anymore (one day at a time and by the grace of god) I kind of 'observed' myself looking for other ways of finding release. And my escape today was to try to get my hair cut (even though I want to let it grow). Luckily all shops are closed on sundays and I just had to stick with it. Stick with my feelings and my hair.
I am so grateful for it. Today I really practiced sticking with something. I stuck with my recovery program, with not getting my hair cut because I needed to 'cut something off me' and not looking for a new job. And I feel proud of it. Learning to stick to something in the middle of a struggle is a big learning curve for me and today I took a step towards it. And it feels good.
I suppose this ties also in with this project. Part of me (my destructive ego) thought to quit because I havent written a post every day and my ego started thinking so what's the point, you might as well quit now, who cares, and it's too much hard work. And my higher self replied: 'No, I'm gonna stick with it. Period.' Commitment, endurance and effort are key ingredients for everything we do, every relationship, project, or goals we want to reach. Regardless of how difficult and challenging it may be, I have made the commitment to practice forgiveness on a daily basis during this project (and hopefully continue with it afterwards) and I will stick with it and continue to write about it.
And today I will forgive my manager for criticising me. A lot. I will forgive myself for not staying within my 50% in this relationship and for putting the responsibility of feeling useful and valued at work onto my manager. Oh, and this is the biggest one, I will forgive myself and not feel guilty any longer!!!, for loosing my election notification and not giving my vote in the berlin election today. Please, please, please forgive me....
With that, I wish the world and everyone in it a very good night.
Oh Anni, I too had the urge the other day to just get my hair cut off, just to ease the sense of discomfort I had in myself. And I too didn't; I also stuck with it.
AntwortenLöschenAnd look, I've not written in over a week because I've been away! It's all good, perfectly imperfect, and perfectly forgivable.
Love
Elloa