Today, I had my first dispute with my female work colleague, or better said she had her first dispute with me. Because I didn't clean the toilets to her standard (or like she used to clean them for the past months). She actually did the whole finger waggling thing and told me off for not cleaning the shower properly. She got really upset about it and amplified the whole thing so much that it turned into a full-blown lecture about working ethics and how we all have to pull our weight and so on and so forth (by the way i've not even started working there yet officially).
Anyway, I just looked at her and admitted that I could have been more thorough and that I see how important cleanliness is to her (to me too, dont get me wrong but I'm not OCD with it). But what I could really see was how much she cared for this place and how much she wants it to be nice and pretty. And I also suspect that she may feel very protective over 'her baby', by that I mean the work place, because she has been working there as the only consistent person for quiet some time, doing most of the work herself and probably most of it voluntarily.
So instead of getting all defensive and attacking back I tried to understand how she might feel about somebody new (and especially a woman) working there. And I guess the best way to understand her is to ask her directly how she feels about me working there and how she thinks that may impact on her role in this place. Right now I'm projecting my own assumptions of how I might feel if I were in her shoes on to her, and I suppose I may feel like my place is being taken away, I might feel not important and not valued anymore or I may even feel pushed aside, rejected and abandoned. These are all strong projections and they may just be all mine but I suppose its worth having a conversation about it with her to find out.
I suppose this is also an important aspect of forgiveness, the willingness and curiosity to find out what it is like to be in the other person's shoes, to see the world from their perspective and enquire about what it is like for them. By being willing to try to understand someone (which doesnt equal excusing their behaviour) I move away from the 'victim mode' and of wanting to be right and move towards compassion, forgiveness and ultimately happiness as I am free me from all the grievances I may hold on to.
With that in mind I shall ask her for a conversation (not a 'chat' or 'talk') and share with her my thoughts and feelings about my new role and ask her for hers. :-)
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