The gift of being triggered

Today was a very difficult day for me and a lot of old wounds were scratched, which was (and still is) pretty painful. A couple of times I felt myself caught up in situations that reminded me of dynamics that I used to have with my dad when I was a child and a teenager - and they were not very pretty.

I experienced so much anger, rage and frustration that I felt like running away (hmmmm...that's a familiar feeling..). But it only took a second for me to look at what was behind this anger, and most importantly to realise that this anger had actually nothing to do with that particular person, but it was all about old childhood wounds that are being scratched and brought to the surface. And yes, they f...ing hurt.

But despite the pain, I'm grateful for this experience because it shows me how far I've come in seeing behind my projections on to this particular person who I (could) blame and attack for causing me harm. Instead I know that it is not about the person but about what is being triggered in me. And whatever this may be needs attention and healing and not the person. The person actually is a gift for me to become aware of these unattended wounds and create an opportunity for healing. And despite the pain and all the feelings from back then, I make a conscious choice and commitment to have a different experience around them and to correct the beliefs that I made up about myself back then.

And in this case I made up that I am useless, stupid, not good enough and a failure. But this is not true and I know that now. The truth is that I am skilled, considerate, purposeful, kind, good enough and perfect with my imperfections. I am learning to remind myself of what is true about me whenever those old beliefs are triggered by certain people or situations and also to remember that this person carries his own burden and has its own struggles.

It is not always easy to be in this frame of mind and today there were a couple of times when I disconnected from it and 'acted out' by attacking and blaming 'acted in' by self-criticing and self-pitying. But I can forgive myself for that and look at myself through eyes of love and compassion and can even see my innocence again :-)

And with the same pair of eyes I'm now going to mediate now to try to see the innocence in that other person too (its gotta be somewhere...)...