Honoring my family

I just wanted to share with the world a wonderful moment I had yesterday with my lovely mum (or Mutschka as I call her). One thing I want to say first though is that over the past couple of years, my family relationships have become incredible important to me and one of the key reasons why I moved back to Berlin, back to my home city and to my family was, to spend more time with my mum and dad. To spend more qualitative time together, to get to know them and ‘their’ stories and for them to get to know me. 

I have always had a good relationship with my mum and I consider myself as really lucky to have such an open, understanding, loving, accepting, supportive and non-judgmental mum like I have. She is the best mum I could ever asked for and she was the perfect mum for me and my journey. I could go on and on about how great she is and how much I love and value her but what the key point that I want to make is that I held lots of resentment against her (especially when I was younger) for not being the ‘perfect’ mother who I wanted and thought I needed. Now I can see that she was perfect for me with all her imperfections. My mum (and my dad) did the best they could with what they had and who they were at the time. And I love them for that and am grateful to them. I wouldnt be who I am today if it wasn’t for he experiences I have been through. There are no resentments anymore, no guilt, no attack, no persecutor or victim roles. There is only forgiveness and love. Because forgiveness means to remember the love that was there at the given time. And I was lived by my parents. Always have been and always will be. 

And this is something I’m incredibly grateful for!

So that was a nice little sidetrack....so back to my lovely afternoon with my mum. So she came over to my flat (and this is another thing that i just love love love, having my own little place to invite my mum over for dinner, never been able to do that before and its just such a lovely way to connect) and after we spend a couple of hours conversing (not just ‘talking’ but actually being in conversation) we lit a candle for my brother and put his picture and the candle next to our little coffee table so that he is right here with us. My mum then read out some old letters which her mum sent her about 30 years ago now. It was hilarious funny because me and my mum totally recognized ourselves in the things my nan wrote about, e.g. always running from one place to another, always being in action and busy. It was so funny to read about certain behaviours my nan did, which my mum adapted and me too and my and my mum then just started laughing about ourselves and just felt this immense love for her mum, my nan, and for ourselves. Out of the sudden we could see ourselves and behaviours with such humility and humor and there was no need anymore for self-criticism. It all made sense. We all made sense. We are one unit, one family unit, always connected, whether dead or live.

It was a wonderful afternoon in acknowledging our family, our loved ones, the living and deceased ones. Yesterday we spend time with my nan and my brother, we send them love and celebrated their live. What a wonderful moment this was and it reaffirmed the importance to remember our loved ones with joy and to not not talk about them. They were important too, even though we may hold some painful memories or feelings towards them but we cannot forget them. They are part of our family, part of our own history and they always will be. 

So, with this little memory I’m sending lots of love and love and love to both of my brothers, my grandparents, my uncle and all the other souls who either didnt made it onto this earth or already moved on.