All day I have been thinking about what I could write tonight about forgiveness and nothing came to my mind. Nothing at all. And then I spoke to a very dear friend of my, the lovely Helen, and so many things just kept on popping up and up and up. And there is the lesson again, that i really dont need to try to 'control' to find something to write about but to have an open and receptive mind and heart and things will just come up when needed.
So during our conversation I shared with her some current struggles that I'm experiencing about defining my own boundaries and communicating them to the people around me and especially towards men. I suspect that that has probably something to do with old childhood stuff (as usual) and not wanting to upset my dad out of fear that he might reject me and withdraws his love from me.
I am currently fully experiencing how my lack in having clear boundaries and my struggle in asserting them is impacting on how I feel and on my relationships. I find myself doing things I dont actually want to do. I find myself going along with things I dont want to go along with. I find myself pleasing people just because I dont want to upset them and out of fear that they may not like me anymore. And this is causing me a lot of frustration and anger because I dont want to do this anymore. I want to be able to stay strong and solid within myself. I want to stay within my middle and consider other and myself equally. I am also important and I need to define my boundaries in order to take care and nurture myself from the inside.
However, there is a lot of growing pain connected with that because what I'm beginning to realise is that I have a lot of attachments that may not be so helpful anymore and that I still hold on to old beliefs that I made up from early traumatic childhood experiences. Some of those beliefs really got scratched over the past few days and tonight I reached a place where I got so pissed off by it that I had to use some tools in order to return to a place of peace, love and compassion. And what I realised was that I'm experiencing growing pains (I love this expression) and that I'm being given situations in order to explore and define my boundaries and to communicate them. Because how can I do this if there isnt a situation in which I need to have boundaries?
So tonight I moved from a place of anger and frustration about a certain situation and person to seeing beauty and opportunity in it. I've been given a chance to grow and to learn and instead of avoiding it and turning my back to it (which i often did in the past) I am now willing to take this chance and do something different. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to change my old unhelpful ways of thinking and behaving.
Thank you my beloved for this opportunity (despite the growing pain) and give me strength to stick with it and move through it :-)
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