Day 1 of TFP

Okay so today was the first day that I consciously tried to practice forgiveness and I think the most significant situation in which i really worked hard to apply this idea happen during the early hours of this morning. I've been having real bad insomnia for the past few nights and been up until 3, 4 am, unable to settle and to fall asleep. In the past this would really frustrate me and I would become very anxious about not being able to sleep. This anxiety would grow and grow and i'd check my clock every half an hour thinking 'oh shit, now it's 2.30am and I have to get up in 4 hours and i'm not gonna be able to get through the day'. And i put more pressure on myself to fall asleep and the vicious cycle of anxiety and not sleeping goes on and on.... So today (or this morning) i just lay there thinking, 'well Anna, there's nothing you can do now, don't judge yourself or pressure yourself. Enjoy this time to daydream and to meditate. Time isnt real and most of all it is NOT your fault that you have an active mind. I told myself about all the changes I'm going through and how natural it is to feel unsettled about it. By doing that I actually started to feel some compassion with myself and gave myself a big hug (yes even though i was lying in bed) and ensured myself to just trust my body and that it will make sure that it gets what it needs when it needs it (does that make sense?) I eventually did fall asleep around 3ish and of course I woke up very tired this morning. But I somehow felt energised and I even went for an early morning run through the wonderful park that is just at the bottom of my road. I felt so grateful for my wonderful healthy body being able to do that even though it didnt get enough rest and for the energy to go out this early and to just run and be surrounded and re-energised by mother nature. Once I let go of my projected fear of not being able to 'survive' the day with enough sleep and by just accepting that what is, just is, I actually felt more peaceful and less anxious. And once again it proves that fear is not real, its just an illusion and that, in fact, there isnt even anything to forgive myself for, because nothing needs to be forgiven. My initial frustration and attack on myself for not falling asleep where a cry for love for myself (because I wanted to give myself enough rest) and because it didnt happen the way I thought would be best I attacked myself for not doing it right (not even being able to fall asleep). Instead of buying into it, I choose to have compassion with myself and it did work :-) So learning for today - looking through eyes of compassion rather than attack erases the need for forgiveness as we wont 'see' anything that needs to be forgiven!