Ok, so before I can write anything at all I need to bust my ego and expose my fears. I am pretty scared about writing this article and my fear is that I don’t have anything valuable to say and that I’m not good enough to be writing for this newsletter. Puhhh, that feels better already.
Right, now that the ego had its time to play, I can move on and write about what I really wanted to share with you. Since Elloa asked me to write an article for The Ripple, I have been wrecking my brain to come up with such an inspiring, funny and clever story that I will go down in the Ripple’s history as the best author ever (well, at least that’s what my ego wants). But nothing worth writing about popped into my mind.....until a few days ago when I read in The Course of Miracles the commentary on Littleness versus Magnitude (ACIM, Ch.15, III). This section has become a source of inspiration, strength and faith to me and it is the signpost on my current path of uncertainty.
When I read the lines “Be not content with littleness. But be sure you understand what littleness is, and why you could never be content with it. Littleness is the offering you give yourself. You offer this in place of magnitude, and you accept it...Littleness and glory are the choices open to your striving and your vigilance. You will always choose one at the expense of the other” I kind of felt caught out, because this is exactly what I have been doing for so many years. Stuck in my ego’s defense systems and suspicions of self, I lived in littleness and made every attempt to find joy and happiness in worldly things. I always felt this urge inside me for more, for better things, for higher things, without knowing exactly what it was. I had an insatiable hunger for more and nothing could really content me for long.
And ha, there comes the explanation. I was never content because I was determined that living in my own littleness could and would content me. By that I mean that I was too scared to move out of my belittling thought system and step into my higher Self, into my full magnitude. For example, I always wanted to sing but never took lessons or went to a choir. Why? Because I didn’t value myself enough to do something that brings me joy and pleasure. ‘Ah, it’s not really that important, you don’t really need that, you don’t really deserve that anyway’. That would be my ego thoughts and they sure did the trick.
Over the years I denied myself of so many ‘contentment-opportunities’ or holy instants as ACIM would call it, because I didnt judge myself worthy of experiencing happiness and joy. How mad is that??? These self-limiting ego thoughts are captured in the lines “Yet what you do not realize, each time you choose, is that your choice is your evaluation of yourself. Choose littleness and you will not have peace because you have judged yourself unworthy of it.” Ding-dong. Light-bulb moment. So whenever I believe in my own littleness and unworthiness of glory and joy, I make choices and decisions that ultimately confirm these ego beliefs. I reinforce my suspicions of self that I don’t ‘deserve’ to shine and to step into my magnitude. (I would have liked to use the past tense here but unfortunately I am still doing this things from time to time).
This reminds actually reminds me of something that Marianne Williamson talks about in her book ‘Return to Love’. She suggests that our biggest fear is not our own inadequacy but “that we are powerful beyond measure”. And this is where the Course’s teaching about our littleness versus our magnitudes offers hope and salvation. By assuring us that only if we choose to accept and stand in our full light we will be content, we will come home. We may spend a long time trying to find contentment by being little, but ultimately this doesn’t work. I defiantly spent a long time looking for happiness by staying small, and too be honest, I am still doing this now at times, but I also know that by doing so I am actually moving further away from my ultimate goal of growing into and extending my highest Self.
The Course also makes a very good point by reminding us that this way of thinking requires discipline and vigilance (two virtues I’m not very much blessed with). It encourages us to uphold and stand for our magnitude, especially when the world around us appears to be ‘little’. I guess it is like the saying you can only keep something by giving it away. I can only keep hold of my magnitude if I extend it into the world. And I can only step into my glory if I judge myself worthy of it and continuously ask my self in every decision I face, what am I giving tribute to, to my magnificence or my littleness.
However, even after nearly a year in Clearmind (which I believe is still really early days) I am sometimes (well lets be honest here Anna, its more an often than a sometimes) still struggling to believe in my greatness and I do choose to stay small. There are times when I still judge myself as unworthy of joy, peace, love and happiness and do belief in my suspicions of self and in my ego’s self-limiting perceptions of myself. Yet, I also know that there is a different way now. I know (no I don’t just know it intellectually but I know it experientially) that I feel only truly blissful and at peace with myself and the world when I stand in my full glory and richness. When I am stepping into my true Self and extending my full magnificence into the world. When I allow myself to fully let my light shine, my whole heart feels like it is going to explode with love and joy. It is in this moment that the holy instant occurs, a moment of pure bliss and contentment and free of all judgments. The moment when I am home.
I wonder what the world would be like if we would all believe in our greatness rather than in our littleness; if we would make choices based on what would nurture our highest Self and allowing our lights to shine in the full brightness.
Maybe its worth finding out. Maybe it’s time for me to stop wondering and to take actions. Actions based on teaching what I believe in. And what I believe in is my magnificence.
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