Day 5 of TFP

First of all i need to let go of how annoyed I'm feeling right now about wasting so much time trying to format my blog and organise it so that anyone who clicks on the start page is not bombarded with lengthly posts. I just spend at least 2 hours on that flipping webpage and all I managed to do is to finally figure out how to create another header.....i am officially the worst techno retard that ever walked the planet (please excuse my not 'PC-ness' but there's no other name for it). Arrrghhh.....

Anyway, this is the beauty of writing a post on forgiveness. I have a choice now to either hang on to it and really dwell on the fact that I just spent (no not spent, wasted!!!) 2 hours on something so trivial, or I can look at it through different eyes. I could thank myself for the endurance, patience and commitment that I have shown by sticking to something even though it frustrates me and touches on some old beliefs that I used to have about myself, e.g. being stupid.

Hmmm, I guess the choice is pretty obvious. And thinking about this a little more, what comes to me is that the reason why I stuck with it was because I wanted to work it out, I wanted to go beyond the struggle and see what comes out the other end. I had a goal, an intention and I went for it despite the obstacles. I suppose this doesn't just apply to formatting a webpage but to many other situations that I encounter in life. Isn't it amazing how actually every little moment can be a reflection of the 'bigger' life itself if we only take a moment and really connect with what we are making this moment mean.

This is another example of how I have a choice in how I perceive the world and everyone in it including myself. For example, for a long time I held the belief about myself that I have no endurance and never stick with anything especially not when it required some work and perseverance. And what I would usually do is to quit and try something new until I hit the same point, the same wall again. And again. And again.

I would secretly admire everyone who would show a real commitment to their hobby, who's been a relationship for more than 2 years (yep, that's usually my cut-off point), or someone who shows real dedication to something despite immense difficulties. Yes, I admire these people and always wanted to be like them. I always wanted to stick with something, for once. Anything.

So, this is where I'm coming full circle now because what I have learned about myself from this brief moment (well a brief moment that lasted 2 hours) is that I actually do have perseverance. I am committed and I can stick to something once I put my mind to it and I do follow through with it despite challenges. I have all the qualities that I only saw in others and not in myself. Now I know that they were all inside of me all along (otherwise I wouldn't have been able to spot them in others) and that I am making good use of them.

And here are the things I have and will continue to commit to:
- going running (been doing that for the past 6 years (some months more often than others)
- to practice yoga (been doing that for 2 years)
- actively continue to maintain friendships (since about 2 years)
- am a student of A Course in Miracles (about 9 months)
- am committed to be authentic and to the innocence in everyone (that's the hardest one, 10 months so far)
- oh and I started to go to a choir and take Tango lessons (because I always wanted to learn how to sing and dance)


Isn't life amazing when we look at it with a different mindset, a mindset that is based on love, openness and curiosity?  I love how my attempts of changing my thinking and perceiving the world is impacting on how I feel about  others and myself and what incredible tools this is giving me to fully experience REAL LOVE, REAL JOY and REAL CONNECTION.

Thank you ACIM and CM.

Day 4 of TFP

I have not been too great today to be honest. Been feeling really tired and run down and everything just seemed like such an effort. I woke up with a big rain cloud hanging over my window and it just wouldnt go away (it actually did rain all day today). And I feel like I was having just one of those days where everything goes wrong. I got splashed at by cars, made a big scratch on the surface of my new desk AND on the new coffee table (which resulted in my dad having a good rant at me for not being careful and not valuing things) and I forgot to take important documents to the job centre. So, all in all I'd consider this day as not one of my best.

Which, now that I'm thinking about is, is probably part of the problem. Me considering, i.e. judging what makes my day a good or a bad one. I suppose there actually aren't any good or bad days, they are just days and what makes them 'good' or 'bad' depends on what I'm projecting on to them. For example, I'm choosing to judge today as a 'bad' day because I felt tired and didn't get all the things done I intended to. And instead of being grateful for my body's incredible feedback system to my brain (it's letting me know that it needs to rest), I almost punish myself for it by feeling disappointed and frustrated with myself. How insane is that? Instead of giving my body, mind and soul the rest it deserves and asks for, I force myself to keep going and going until I get ill, either physically, mentally or spiritually (usually its a combination of all 3).

But I'm going to do something different right now. I'm gonna finish this post and take real good care of my wee Anni who's asking for some TLC... and you shall have my beautiful little girl.

So, candles on, bath is running, relaxing music in the background and an early night...

Good night folks and ever now and then (more often now than then), give yourself and the little one within some well-deserved rest.

N'night x

Day 3 of TFP

Ok, so after a rather long and quite philosophical post earlier on, this one is going to be a short one. 

I am forgiving the f.....g driver who nearly run me over in his f....... BMW when i was cycling all peacefully through Berlin, singing along, on the top of my voice to my favorite song. I guess you woman (yes it was a woman!!!), were in such a rush to get home because you were running late and your husband has cooked a wonderful dinner just for you (for the first time ever) and you wanted to show him your appreciation and how much you love him by at least being on time (especially because you know his cooking is awful). So I really understand your urgency and I forgive you for nearly killing me as a result of it. I know that you were just acting out of love for your hubbie and I hope you two have a lovely evening despite of causing me a ‘near-death’ experience.

.....

Writing this is actually making me laugh (out loud) which is attracting a funny look from the guy who’s sitting across the table from me. And he smiles. So writing this does not only lift my anger and makes me be able to laugh about it, it actually also makes other people smile.

Brilliant, what an amazing ripple effect of practicing forgiveness!!!

Delayed Post on Day 2 of TFP

Right so i’m already starting to get behind with my posts and its only just day 2. Great. Well I suppose i better forgive myself quickly for that and remind myself that not posting for one day is NOT a reflection of my commitment to this project and does NOT make me a bad person. In contrast, I’m perfectly imperfect and a wonderful being (that is actually something a stranger said to me the other morning when i was running....what a lovely thing to hear first thing in the morning :-).

Anyway, what i really wanted to share about forgiveness yesterday was actually more in relation to gratitude. Yesterday I made a huge discovery and it totally blew me away. So much so that i had tears of happiness in my eyes and had to explain to my mum that these are not tears of sadness (which is usually the case when she sees my crying) but tears of joy and happiness. And that touched her so much that she joined in, and there we were, mother and daughter weeping together in appreciation of life and of our journeys that led us to a place where we can appreciate EVERY aspect of life (especially its challenges).

Gosh, i’m getting a bit side-tracked here, focus Anna, this is a project about forgiveness not gratefulness.....but these 2 concepts appear to be closer related than i initially thought. well, too be honest, i never actually thought about these two things together and that there could be a correlation (sorry, but that’s my scientific streak coming out) between the level of forgiveness and the extend of gratefulness that one might experience as the result of it. 

So yesterday was the day the penny really dropped for me (it was more like a $100 bill in a coin version). I felt so much gratitude for where I am in my life right now, for the things that im doing - things i always wanted to do but never did (because i choose to stay in my littleness and not in my magnificence), for the wonderful people in my life, for my health and incredible body that just keeps on healing and healing despite all the harm i’ve caused it for years. But most of all i felt grateful for my ability to actually really experience and feel all of it. i mean to soak up, hold and contain these feelings and to be so present with all of them. 

Then I realised that I would have never been able to see and fully experience all this beauty in my life if it wouldn’t be for the journey I had to take to arrive at where I am today. I  am grateful for every hurt I experienced (and there were frigging many), for every struggle I had to go through, for every pain and despair I had to experience. And this is were forgiveness comes in. I forgive all the people whose behavior I wrongly perceived and interpreted as causing me harm (yes, even the man in the door) and I want to thank you for giving me these opportunities to grow into the person I am today. Without all of you and what I experienced through you I am who I am right now. And I really like it. Really like me!

And this is how forgiveness links with gratefulness. For me anyway. I know its been a rather long post but i think once one starts thinking about this kind of stuff it’s like a door’s beeing opened and penny-drop moments just keep happening.

For anyone who actually did manage to read the whole thing I want to say thank you and I’d love to hear about your thoughts/experiences on the relationship of forgiveness and gratitude.....

So, give your self a big hug and appreciate the magnificence of your beautiful being (yes, especially BECAUSE of all your lovable imperfections) and be )even just a little bit) grateful for all your ‘opportunities’ to grow - because that’s what al our struggles actually are. Do you feel your grievances shrinking? ....... (if not try again).........(and again).  :-)

Day 1 of TFP

Okay so today was the first day that I consciously tried to practice forgiveness and I think the most significant situation in which i really worked hard to apply this idea happen during the early hours of this morning. I've been having real bad insomnia for the past few nights and been up until 3, 4 am, unable to settle and to fall asleep. In the past this would really frustrate me and I would become very anxious about not being able to sleep. This anxiety would grow and grow and i'd check my clock every half an hour thinking 'oh shit, now it's 2.30am and I have to get up in 4 hours and i'm not gonna be able to get through the day'. And i put more pressure on myself to fall asleep and the vicious cycle of anxiety and not sleeping goes on and on.... So today (or this morning) i just lay there thinking, 'well Anna, there's nothing you can do now, don't judge yourself or pressure yourself. Enjoy this time to daydream and to meditate. Time isnt real and most of all it is NOT your fault that you have an active mind. I told myself about all the changes I'm going through and how natural it is to feel unsettled about it. By doing that I actually started to feel some compassion with myself and gave myself a big hug (yes even though i was lying in bed) and ensured myself to just trust my body and that it will make sure that it gets what it needs when it needs it (does that make sense?) I eventually did fall asleep around 3ish and of course I woke up very tired this morning. But I somehow felt energised and I even went for an early morning run through the wonderful park that is just at the bottom of my road. I felt so grateful for my wonderful healthy body being able to do that even though it didnt get enough rest and for the energy to go out this early and to just run and be surrounded and re-energised by mother nature. Once I let go of my projected fear of not being able to 'survive' the day with enough sleep and by just accepting that what is, just is, I actually felt more peaceful and less anxious. And once again it proves that fear is not real, its just an illusion and that, in fact, there isnt even anything to forgive myself for, because nothing needs to be forgiven. My initial frustration and attack on myself for not falling asleep where a cry for love for myself (because I wanted to give myself enough rest) and because it didnt happen the way I thought would be best I attacked myself for not doing it right (not even being able to fall asleep). Instead of buying into it, I choose to have compassion with myself and it did work :-) So learning for today - looking through eyes of compassion rather than attack erases the need for forgiveness as we wont 'see' anything that needs to be forgiven!

I'm taking part in The Forgiveness Project

So, I've taking up the challenge and agreed to take part in my friend's Forgiveness Project (http://explorationsofelloaness.blogspot.com/p/forgiveness-project.html). Meaning that I seriously commit to practice true forgiveness every single day for 30 days. What a challenge! Is that really possible? Can I really not hold grudges against anyone or anything (not even against my stupid internet when it cuts out - ooops, there already was a grudge...)

I guess it may help to first of all think about what forgiveness means to me. Hmmm....
I suppose for me forgiveness has to do with making a choice. A choice about how I want to look at a certain situation, event or person and how I interpret it, i.e. what am I making this mean.
It is also about choosing to let go, choosing love over grievances, choosing happiness over the need to be right. And most of all it's about the discipline of choosing to see other people's AND our own actions and behaviors as either an act of love or a cry for love and to see the other person and ourself as innocent. And this is probably the hardest thing for me, to forgive myself and to see my innocence.

So with this in mind Im going to take up the challenge of practicing forgiveness for self and others on a daily basis and to report on it on a daily basis. And with that i'm doing my wee bit for world peace (well at least for the next 30days).

Lets join forces and let the Forgiveness Revolution begin! Hurrrrayyyyy!!!!!!