Gratitude...

Me and Anni

I just wanted to share with you what a wonderful weekend I had with Anni. Oh, I guess not everyone knows who Anni is...well met me introduce her. Anni is the cutest, most loveable and innocent inner child you could ever imagine. She's lives right inside my heart and sometimes wanders around in my tummy if she wants to talk to me. She has this beautiful gentle and quiet voice, which I only began to notice (because it is so soft) a couple of years ago and im learning more and more to understand her unique language the more I begin to 'calm down' and stop running away from it. I think for many many years I thought that she was something I needed to escape from, not realising that I was trying to run away from my self and with that dismissed the most wounded part inside of me...

...so now that me and Anni are beginning to get to know each other, or better said I'm beginning to acknowledge her again and listen to her needs and wishes (and trust me, wee Anni is quiet demanding, or maybe just in need of a lot of healing, joy and unconditional love), I'm trying to spend more and more qualitative time with her. As I'm writing this I am aware that some folks may think I'm schizophrenic and have a split personality, but rest assured dear friends all is well with me, really well :-)

So yesterday, I took Anni out to the park, actually just a walk but then she led me to this playground and we ended up on the swings. Wow, I forgot how much fun it is to swing, to let yourself fall back and watch the sky and the trees as you swing from one end to the other. We loved it!!! It was amazing. Being able to let go of everything and to just be a child again and play. Wonderful!!!

And then in the evening we went to watch the ballet Les Esmerald, which was totally over the top and cheesy but sooooo good. And the funny thing was that I actually recognised myself far too many times with the main character and the things she did when she was madly in love, but that is an entire different topic for another day.

And I think because I spend quiet a lot of time with Anni recently I noticed also my ever increasing desire to have some real (human) children of my own... I mean I'm not getting desperate or anything like that but I'm just noticing how I'm beginning to nest, to connect and heal my inner child and it all feels like preparation for the real thing, well baby I mean.....and obviously there is still a key ingredient missing but I'm sure that will come in time.

So for now, I love love love spending time with Anni, to laugh with her, to cry with her, to play with her.

And I want to encourage you all to make some time for your little inner child and to just PLAY, PLAY, PLAY. 

Ängste... sich bloß nix von den weißmachen lassen!

Ach, wie wunderschön das Leben doch ist, und auch so spannend.
Ich bin gestern aufgewacht mit Ängsten und Zweifeln über meine Entscheidung mich selbstständig zu machen, die Arbeit von Clearmind International nach Berlin zu bringen, und noch viele viele andere. Sie waren so stark und überwältigend, das ich an gar nichts anderes mehr denken konnte und von ihnen fast so richtig konsumiert wurde. Furchtbar!

Aber, in diesen Momenten erinnert ich mich oder bzw. wurde von ganz lieben Freunden daran erinnert, das ich immer eine Wahl habe. Ich kann entweder wählen mich meinen Ängsten völlig hinzugeben und Entscheidungen treffen die in die Richtung meines Egos und meiner Ängste gehen, ODER ich kann mich dazu entscheiden trotz dieser Ängste in die Richtung meiner Träume und Ziele zu gehen.

Etwas das Duane O'Kane immer sagt ist: "When not now then when?" und das hat gestern den Nagel so richtig auf den Kopf für mich getroffen. Das muss man sich mal so richtig auf der Zunge zergehen lassen...When not now, than when? ... Wieviele Möglichkeiten habe ich schon verpasst, weil ich nie den Mut hatte es JETZT zu tun, was immer das auch war. Also, Wenn nicht jetzt, dann wann werde ich den Schritt in die Selbstständigkeit und damit in die Selbstverwirklichung gehen? Wenn nicht jetzt, dann wann werde ich den Clearmind Info Abend veranstalten? Wenn nicht jetzt, dann wann werde ich Verantwortung für mein eigenes Wohlergehen und meine Lebensfreude übernehmen?

Also Anna, raus aus der Opfer Rolle und rein in den Tatendrang. Und es hat funktioniert. Und wie. Raum für den Info Abend angesehen, nicht lange rum gezögert und gebucht. Angefangen Konzepte für meine website zu schreiben, und designs für Flyers und Visitenkarten überlegt. Alle, vor mich hin geschobenen Formulare ausgefüllt und abgeschickt. Es ist einfach unglaublich wieviel Energie und Elan auf einmal in mir aufsteigt, wenn ich action-steps gehe, die mich meinem Ziel näher bringen und mich nicht davon entfernen.

Mir ist wirklich nocheinmal so ganz bewusst geworden, wie wichtig es für mich ist, mich immer wieder zu fragen, "Was wähle ich in diesem Moment? Wer bin ich in diesem Moment? Was lehre ich in diesem Moment, wenn meine Angst so stark wird?" Lehre ich, das es OK für mich ist, mich von meiner Angst kontrolieren zu lassen und mich von meinem eigentlichen Ziel abkommen zu lassen? Ist das wer ich bin? Nein, ich möchte lehren zu vertrauen, ich möchte lehren das ich nicht meine Ängste bin und das ich trotz dieser voran schreite in die Richtung in die ICH gehen möchte, in die Richtung die mir Erfüllung und Freude bringt. Und ich lehre UND lerne dies nur durch's demonstrieren.

Lang genug hab ich mich von meinen Ängsten gefangen halten lassen, es ist Zeit auszubrechen, frei zu weden und mich selbst zu verwirklichen! Hurray, Freeeeeeeeeeedoooooooommmm.

Virtuelle Liebe

Heute hatte ich meine erste Online-Klasse von der transpersonellen Psychotherapie Ausbildung an der ich teilnehme und es war einfach unglaublich. Ich muss ja zugeben das ich zuerst sehr skeptisch war das man so eine Ausbildung, die ja nicht nur aus Theorie besteht, sondern hauptsächlich aus Selbsterfahrung in einer Gruppe, überhaupt eine Verbindung zu den anderen Teilnehmern aufbauen kann, geschweige denn die Emotionen und Gefühle so richtig fühlen kann. Aber, oh my God, lag ich falsch. Schon bei der Vorstellungsrunde flossen meine Tränen und mein Herz war so offen und ich fühlte so viel Wärme, Mitgefühl und Liebe für meine 'Mitstreiter' die ich erst seit einer Stunde kenne und die aus ganz verschieden Teilen der Welt kommen.

Das hat mich wirklich umgehauen, und mir gelehrt das Liebe und wahre Verbindung mit Menschen überhaupt gar nichts damit zu tun hat wo wir mit unserem physischen Körper gerade geographisch sind, oder mit unserem Alter, unser Geschichte oder sonst irgendwelchen so-genannten Gemeinsamkeiten. Das einzige was man zu einer ehrlichen und liebevollen Verbindung braucht ist ein offenes Herz und die Bereitschaft sich in seiner Verletzlichkeit zu zeigen, gesehen zu werden und dann die entgegenkommende Liebe anzunehmen.

Seit meinem ersten Workshop (The Awakening) in Clearmind International, habe ich gelernt mein Herz zu öffnen und all die wunderbaren Dinge in mir und um mir herum wahrzunehmen, anzunehmen und weiter zugeben. Was für ein Geschenk es ist, mich selbst, die welt und jedem in dieser Welt mit anderen Augen sehen zukönnen. Mit Augen voller Liebe, die die Wunder dieser Welt und das Wunder das jeder von uns ist.

I love myself!

Today I spent the whole day in appreciation of myself, my inner goddess, my life and the universe - and I had such a blissful day.

I treated myself to a little lie-in this morning and a bit of a day dream, a kind of left-over daze from the wonderful dream. Do you know this feeling when you wake up exactly when the dream feels so good and you're experiencing something wonderful in your dream and when you wake up you're still left with this lovely feeling that you just felt in your dream? Well, that was exactly how I felt when I woke up and i just decided to embrace and really soak up this feeling a wee bit longer.....and it felt bloody good. it was a dream about having a right open heart and really feeling connected to someone, and i woke up with the feeling of love and connection - what a wonderful way to start the day. In fact, I suggest we all treat ourselves to an extra 5 minutes 'dream-daze-time' every time we wake up and want to hold on to the feeling of the dream we just had.

So, after feeling all warm and loved anyway I went for a wee run through the park. And I usually meet an old chinese man who's doing Chi Gong energy movements and we always great each other and I always wanted to ask him if I could join him but never did 'cause my head tells me not to bother him. But this morning I did, and his face lightened up. So there we were, 2 strangers connected through their hearts doing ancient chinese  energy exercises in the blissful sunshine somewhere in Berlin. That in itself felt like a miracle to me.

Afterwards, I felt how all the different energies were moving around in my body and decided to sit down in the sun and to just spend some time getting in touch with my inner goddess, my inner wise-woman who by the way is called Esmerald. It was the first time today that I had moments where I actually was right beside her and actually was her. Usually I just see her and speak to her but today I felt like I was part of her and I just wanted to love her and do her good. And suddenly I felt so much love and appreciation for myself and the Universe for making those feelings and experiences possible.

I also met a wonderful woman the other day and she is training in body works and needed clients to practice on. So today she treated me to a wonderful full body massage and again it just felt like I'm smothering myself and especially my inner Self with love and kindness. Ahhhhhh....

I cooked myself some wonderful and nourishing food (home-made soup and rice pudding mmhhhh....) and spend the evening connecting to some dear friends, listening to a story tape in candle light and am now going to bed to read a little bit more from my new fiction book (yes a fiction book and nothing related to work!!!).

What a blessing it is to take time to really be in the moment and to fully experience its beauty and magnificence. How blessed am I that I've been given all these lessons (and yes they were pretty painful at times and I had (and still do) take some extra rounds to really learn them) but if this is the price I get than, please Universe give me more of them. Lets not be greedy Anna (and be careful what you wish for), but every bit of pain and struggle I went through and the times when I thought I can't handle this anymore or wtf is this for, is all paying off now and making sense. I'm so standing in my power right now, full of grace and humbleness. I'm loving every aspect of my life and myself, I'm not lacking anything right now, no job, no relationship, not money, no perfect body or recovery. It's all perfect as it is right now and everything else is a bonus. And I can't actually belief I'm feeling this way. Never thought I would be able to feel 'enough' just with myself. Wow, what a long way I've come. With your help. Thank you!

Love, to you Esmerald, to you God.

Fears and Choices

Self-Love. What a concept!
Over the past four nights I've been sitting in front of my laptop, desperate to write a new post, to write anything, but nothing cam to me. It's not that I haven't practiced any self-love or felt the love from others over the past few days but something stopped me from sharing this on here. I dont even know what I'm going to write about now, but I fear that, if I dont write anything at all, I probably won't write anything for quiet a while... and that's not what I want either.

Right now, my head is telling me that I can only post something into the big wide world if it is of utter magnificence and worth the Nobel-Price. But this is not what this blog is about. The point of writing this blog is to help me express myself, to share a little bit of myself with whoever may read this, to be real. And this is me right now. I'm fearful about setting up a support group by myself, going freelance, and listening (and following) more to my heart rather than my head. I'm noticing how my coping strategies Mr. Avoidance and Mrs Procrastination are visiting me at the moment, in fact, they've been staying far too long now, and how they are contributing to my fears.

Today, I really felt this immense urge of running away again, of going on a holiday, taking on any kind of job or moving back to England. And for a few hours I really believed the self-sabotaging voice in my head and felt totally overwhelmed, helpless and incapable of anything......

But then I remembered what a very wise man (Duane O'Kane) told me yesterday. These feelings are JUST fears. They are not real. I can either choose to believe in them and keep myself small or just notice them and do the things I set out to do anyway. So, guess what, I obviously choose the second, and once I reminded myself that these thoughts are not real and actually dont mean anything I felt like a big burden had been lifted of my shoulders. Dont get me wrong, I'm still avoiding and procrastinating to do certain things but realising that I dont need to buy into my fears and that other people dont buy into my fears, gave enough motivation to start putting some actions into place.

I also remembered that there is a natural cycle - a rhythm to life and that right now I'm going through a time where I need to rest a bit more, where I need to take time out to relax and to look after myself. I need to remember that things take time to develop and dont need to be all sorted and 'ready' right this minute. Everything takes time to grow and to develop be it new ideas or even behaviour changes.

So, right now I'm experiencing a time where my inner voice is telling me to slow down, to arrive, to be patient and gentle....I'm noticing how difficult it is for me to follow this inner guidance and how my head wants to sabotage it, but I'm trying to stick with it. After all, this is about self-love.

Ich hab 'nen neues Project/ I'm starting a new Project

Nachdem ich einen Montat lang mich mit dem Thema Vergebung beschäftigt habe und viele Gelegenheiten Vergebung für mich Selbst und andere zu üben, dachte ich es wär doch mal an der Zeit sich mit der Liebe näher zu beschäftigen - vor allem mit der Selbst-Liebe.

Ich werde versuchen meine posts auf Englisch und Deutsch zu schreiben in der Hoffnung das euch meine Gedanken irgendwie erreichen. Und wenn sie euch noch dazu anregen eure Herzen zu öffnen, dann tragen wir alle dazu bei das es ein bisschen mehr Liebe auf dieser Welt gibt. Denn das ist das einzige was zählt und wahr ist - die LIEBE.

After occupying myself for a whole month with the topic of forgiveness and having had plenty of opportunities to practice forgiveness for myself and others, I thought it's about time to focus a little bit more on Love, and more specifically on Self-Love.

I'm gonna try to post my comments in both, English and German in the hope that my thoughts will reach you somehow. And if they even inspire you a little bit to open your hearts a wee bit more, than we'll all contribute to making this world a more loving place. Because Love is the only thing that really counts, it's the only thing that is real.

Reflections on the Forgiveness Project

So the 30 days of the Forgiveness Project are over and I have to say I'm glad! Not because practicing forgiveness was a hard task (that came surprisingly easy), but because I dont feel the pressure to post something now every day (in fact I havent anyway but trust me the guilty cloud of I should was still hanging over me).

So, what am I left with....

First of all, I'm left with an immense feeling of pride for committing to something and following it through right to the end, despite moments of creative- and ego-crisises. This is a big thing for me because my old pattern is to quit and to run whenever a crises pops up and not to stick with it like I did here.

I also learned a lot about myself, especially that it is a lot easier for me to forgive other people and to see their innocence than it is to forgive myself and to see my innocence. But since it is the Forgiveness Project I am choosing to forgive myself for struggling to forgive myself. And actually there is no need for any forgiveness anyway because there is no sin, only love.

Being in a framework of practising forgiveness had a real impact on the amount of things I perceive that 'need to be forgiven', which was so much less than I expected. It's really weird, suddenly people dont seem to annoy me as often as they used to, conflict arises less often, I feel myself less agitated by myself and others, my self-criticing ego and self-doubts have quietened. I feel more blissful, content, joyful and loving towards myself and others.

Doing this project has also inspired me to do write more and to commit to more similar projects. So far I want to write something to with choosing love over fear, walking on the path of magnitude (rather than littleness) and the teachings of the course in miracles....so watch this space!!!

And lastly, I want to express my appreciation and gratitude to everyone who has read my posts and walked the path of forgiveness along side me. Thank you for all your words of encouragement and your own thoughts and experiences and for allowing my to keeping my own forgiveness by giving it away.

As the course says: 'To teach is to demonstrate'. Let us al unite in becoming teachers and students of forgiveness and love.

Love to you all

My first article for Clearmind International's newsletter 'The Ripple'

Ok, so before I can write anything at all I need to bust my ego and expose my fears. I am pretty scared about writing this article and my fear is that I don’t have anything valuable to say and that I’m not good enough to be writing for this newsletter. Puhhh, that feels better already.

Right, now that the ego had its time to play, I can move on and write about what I really wanted to share with you. Since Elloa asked me to write an article for The Ripple, I have been wrecking my brain to come up with such an inspiring, funny and clever story that I will go down in the Ripple’s history as the best author ever (well, at least that’s what my ego wants). But nothing worth writing about popped into my mind.....until a few days ago when I read in The Course of Miracles the commentary on Littleness versus Magnitude (ACIM, Ch.15, III). This section has become a source of inspiration, strength and faith to me and it is the signpost on my current path of uncertainty.

When I read the lines “Be not content with littleness. But be sure you understand what littleness is, and why you could never be content with it. Littleness is the offering you give yourself. You offer this in place of magnitude, and you accept it...Littleness and glory are the choices open to your striving and your vigilance. You will always choose one at the expense of the other” I kind of felt caught out, because this is exactly what I have been doing for so many years. Stuck in my ego’s defense systems and suspicions of self, I lived in littleness and made every attempt to find joy and happiness in worldly things. I always felt this urge inside me for more, for better things, for higher things, without knowing exactly what it was. I had an insatiable hunger for more and nothing could really content me for long.

And ha, there comes the explanation. I was never content because I was determined that living in my own littleness could and would content me. By that I mean that I was too scared to move out of my belittling thought system and step into my higher Self, into my full magnitude. For example, I always wanted to sing but never took lessons or went to a choir. Why? Because I didn’t value myself enough to do something that brings me joy and pleasure. ‘Ah, it’s not really that important, you don’t really need that, you don’t really deserve that anyway’. That would be my ego thoughts and they sure did the trick. 

Over the years I denied myself of so many ‘contentment-opportunities’ or holy instants as ACIM would call it, because I didnt judge myself worthy of experiencing happiness and joy.  How mad is that??? These self-limiting ego thoughts are captured in the lines “Yet what you do not realize, each time you choose, is that your choice is your evaluation of yourself. Choose littleness and you will not have peace because you have judged yourself unworthy of it.” Ding-dong. Light-bulb moment. So whenever I believe in my own littleness and unworthiness of glory and joy, I make choices and decisions that ultimately confirm these ego beliefs. I reinforce my suspicions of self that I don’t ‘deserve’ to shine and to step into my magnitude. (I would have liked to use the past tense here but unfortunately I am still doing this things from time to time).

This reminds actually reminds me of something that Marianne Williamson talks about in her book ‘Return to Love’. She suggests that our biggest fear is not our own inadequacy but “that we are powerful beyond measure”. And this is where the Course’s teaching about our littleness versus our magnitudes offers hope and salvation. By assuring us that only if we choose to accept and stand in our full light we will be content, we will come home. We may spend a long time trying to find contentment by being little, but ultimately this doesn’t work. I defiantly spent a long time looking for happiness by staying small, and too be honest, I am still doing this now at times, but I also know that by doing so I am actually moving further away from my ultimate goal of growing into and extending my highest Self. 

The Course also makes a very good point by reminding us that this way of thinking requires discipline and vigilance (two virtues I’m not very much blessed with). It encourages us to uphold and stand for our magnitude, especially when the world around us appears to be ‘little’. I guess it is like the saying you can only keep something by giving it away. I can only keep hold of my magnitude if I extend it into the world. And I can only step into my glory if I judge myself worthy of it and continuously ask my self in every decision I face, what am I giving tribute to, to my magnificence or my littleness. 

However, even after nearly a year in Clearmind (which I believe is still really early days) I am sometimes (well lets be honest here Anna, its more an often than a sometimes) still struggling to believe in my greatness and I do choose to stay small. There are times when I still judge myself as unworthy of joy, peace, love and happiness and do belief in my suspicions of self and in my ego’s self-limiting perceptions of myself. Yet, I also know that there is a different way now. I know (no I don’t just know it intellectually but I know it experientially) that I feel only truly blissful and at peace with myself and the world when I stand in my full glory and richness. When I am stepping into my true Self and extending my full magnificence into the world. When I allow myself to fully let my light shine, my  whole heart feels like it is going to explode with love and joy. It is in this moment that the holy instant occurs, a moment of pure bliss and contentment and free of all judgments. The moment when I am home.

I wonder what the world would be like if we would all believe in our greatness rather than in our littleness; if we would make choices based on what would nurture our highest Self and allowing our lights to shine in the full brightness. 

Maybe its worth finding out. Maybe it’s time for me to stop wondering and to take actions. Actions based on teaching what I believe in. And what I believe in is my magnificence.

Choosing connection

I have decided not to write a blog tonight because I want to spend some time answering to emails and connecting with some very special people.

I am not moving away from my commitment (which sometimes feels like an obligation rather than something I freely choose to do), instead I'm moving towards connecting and doing something that I want to do right now and is good for me.

So, good bye blog and hello people :-)

Standing in my power

Today I took a huge step forward towards my goals of being authentic, standing in my power and handing every situation over to the Beloved. Me and my manager sat together and talked about my work performance and how I feel about working in this place. I knew that we would have this conversation and all morning I kept asking for divine guidance and inspiration to 'know' how I feel about working there.

As we were talking I got this clear thought that I should move away from this job and make the path free for someone who can help my manager and the business to grow into its highest potential. I realised that I am not the most suited person for this job and I felt so relieved. I totally clocked on to how my ego would have wanted to me to fight and pretend that 'I am the best' and 'I can do the best job' but that is not true. My special qualities and gifts are more purposeful in different areas and I need to make room for someone who's special skills are suited perfectly for this kind of work. It would be pure self-will and ego if I would stay working there, just because my ego wants to make a point in being so special and different that it can do any job perfectly.

This was such a beautiful and humbling moment for me and I shared this with my manager. His eyes become so soft and gentle and we had a wonderful conversation about the various gifts and skills different people have and how it is our task to utilise them to their fullest in the given areas. I am simply not good with office work or other bureaucratic stuff, my gifts and talents lie with supporting people's healing process and helping them to grow into the highest they can be.

Me and my manager parted on loving and compassionate terms and I'm incredibly grateful that I've been blessed with the opportunity to hand my fears over loosing a job over to the Beloved, to have had an opportunity to stay in my middle and to teach love and not fear.

Although I'm out of work again and I notice fear creeping up around my financial situation I know that I needed to 'free' myself for something else. I dont know what this something else may be but I will be patient and have faith.  (and breath.....) I have the niggling thought that my God wants me to take some even bigger risks in moving towards self-employment but that jump would be so huge like jumping over the Great Canyon and I'm not sure if I'm ready for this yet....we will see...

Day 25 of the Forgiveness Project

Wow, I dont even know where to begin to share about the incredible things I've have been blessed to experience over the past few days. I've been on the Clearmind International Assistant Training program and learnt so much about myself and my perceptions and had so many opportunities to heal and to experience love, joy and connection.

And one of the biggest teaching (or reminders) came from our incredible facilitator Jacquie and was about the key questions that I constantly need to ask myself, especially in times of struggle and uncertainty.

1. What is this for?
2. Who am I in the middle of this?
3. What am I teaching?

If I invite Spirit into every situation, remain open and curious, keep an open heart and remember that I want to teach love and NOT fear and that I want to stand FOR love and not fear, then even the biggest struggles become an opportunity for growth and for extending my highest self to others. It is important to remember that we are all teachers and students in every situation and that what we extend we keep. So by teaching love and forgiveness we actually keep love and forgiveness.

The Course of Miracles says: "To teach is to demonstrate. There are only 2 thought systems (love and fear), and you demonstrate that you believe one or the other is true all the time. From your demonstration others learn, and so do you. The question is not whether you will teach for in that there is no choice...but what you want to teach on the basis of what you want to learn. Any situation must be to you a chance to teach others what you are, and what they are to you."

And what I want to teach and learn is forgiveness and love. I've learnt that nothing else is real but love and that nothing real can be threatened. That means that nothing can actually come in the way of love, no acts of what might be perceived as unkindness (which actually is a desperate call for love), no kind of separation (be it physical or through time) or any other ego attempts to create barriers to love.

Reconnecting with so many people I feel extremely close to, taught me that there really are no blocks to love and it doesnt matter how far away I live or how long I havent seen these people, the connection and the love hasnt faded. In contrast it grows and grows.

This realisation is so healing for me because I believed that good-byes mean loss and feeling lonely and abandoned. But Im learning that this is not true. The feelings of loss and abandonment are not needed anymore and definitely dont match my recent experiences of saying good-bye. I dont need these ego defence strategies anymore to keep "safe" and to "protect" me from harm. I thank you ego for finding ways of surviving the pain of letting go when I was very young but now I dont need this strategy anymore. I let you go with love and gratitude.

It's been an incredible weekend and I'm also glad to be back in my home. And it feels amazing to have my own home now. I am home. Not in Berlin but inside of me. Huge revelation and growth for me. Maybe that comes with age, now that I'm 28 he he.

The night of day (I lost count) of The Forgiveness Project

Dreams are frigging weird things, right? I mean we all know about how your mind and unconscious  is 'working through' stuff in our dreams but last night I actually had a physical manifestation of my unconscious or conscious, or whatever part of my mind that was, getting rid of something in a physical way. basically what happened was that, as i was dreaming away, as you do (and obviously i cannot remember what i was dreaming about) i suddenly felt really sick and i was actually being sick. i mean i was being sick in my mouth which woke me up. isnt that disgusting? in my dream i was being sick all over my bed and i panicked so i woke up (but i only dribbled a little bit so no need to worry). i could still taste this horrible sickness taste in my mouth when i woke up and had to get up then to brush my teeth.

first of all, im incredibly grateful that im not sharing my bed with anyone apart from my noggi (which is my little cushion that i had since im 3 zears old) because imaging waking up next to someone whose just been sick in her mouth...not a good look!! and secondly, thank you god for waking up in time and not choking on it and dying...i can already see the headlines....'women, 27, died on her own sickness 2 days before her birthday!' thank god that that didnt happen.

but anyway, i was telling me mum about it this morning and she screamed out full of joy and exclaimed how fantastic this would be and how amazing my body is for freeing itself from toxins and bad energies which it doesnt want to contain anymore. Hmmm....i didnt quiet look at it this way before but that is exactly what my mutschka (thats what i call my mum) is for, she always shows me new ways of looking at things. So my wonderful body detoxed itself from all the bad energies, thoughts and feelings I carried yesterday and found a way to 'liberate' itself from it. I must admit, that is pretty awesome. what a great body i have :-)

I've dont only detoxed my body from those negative emotions but also my mind. And this is the beauty of staying open and curious, especially when we hit a crisis. It is so easy to just stay in attack and blame and not look at what we can learn about ourselves and maybe own up to and change behaviours that are not so helpful anymore. And what keeps popping up for me is that I could do with being at least a wee bit more mindful, 'present' and rooted. That would prevent a lot of conflict and struggle at work and would help me to feel a bit more calm inside and less restless.

So , my commitment to myself is to be more mindful in whatever it is i'm doing, to remind myself to ground myself whenever possible and to breathe. And i suppose these are also important components of forgiveness, because they all help in the process of letting gooooooo....

The gift of being triggered

Today was a very difficult day for me and a lot of old wounds were scratched, which was (and still is) pretty painful. A couple of times I felt myself caught up in situations that reminded me of dynamics that I used to have with my dad when I was a child and a teenager - and they were not very pretty.

I experienced so much anger, rage and frustration that I felt like running away (hmmmm...that's a familiar feeling..). But it only took a second for me to look at what was behind this anger, and most importantly to realise that this anger had actually nothing to do with that particular person, but it was all about old childhood wounds that are being scratched and brought to the surface. And yes, they f...ing hurt.

But despite the pain, I'm grateful for this experience because it shows me how far I've come in seeing behind my projections on to this particular person who I (could) blame and attack for causing me harm. Instead I know that it is not about the person but about what is being triggered in me. And whatever this may be needs attention and healing and not the person. The person actually is a gift for me to become aware of these unattended wounds and create an opportunity for healing. And despite the pain and all the feelings from back then, I make a conscious choice and commitment to have a different experience around them and to correct the beliefs that I made up about myself back then.

And in this case I made up that I am useless, stupid, not good enough and a failure. But this is not true and I know that now. The truth is that I am skilled, considerate, purposeful, kind, good enough and perfect with my imperfections. I am learning to remind myself of what is true about me whenever those old beliefs are triggered by certain people or situations and also to remember that this person carries his own burden and has its own struggles.

It is not always easy to be in this frame of mind and today there were a couple of times when I disconnected from it and 'acted out' by attacking and blaming 'acted in' by self-criticing and self-pitying. But I can forgive myself for that and look at myself through eyes of love and compassion and can even see my innocence again :-)

And with the same pair of eyes I'm now going to mediate now to try to see the innocence in that other person too (its gotta be somewhere...)...

Forgiveness as a key component of love

At the moment I'm reading a book about the heart chakra and how our relationships are being influenced through the power of love. This morning I read about the different components of love and guess what forgiveness was right up there.

It said that: "a lack of forgiveness is the main blockage for real love and movement in life. We stagnate and become hooked whilst automatically trying to hold on to the other side. We need forgiveness and we need to accept forgiveness for ourselves. You cannot give your heart freely to someone if you are still attached to the past, if you haven't let go. To love means to forgive and to let go."

The point that most stood out for me was the notion of accepting forgiveness for myself. This is a tough one. A real tough one. Especially when it comes to mistakes I have made in the past and hurt I have caused other people. Despite the guilt (and shame) that I still sometimes experience over those things (even though it becomes less and less, but sometimes it still gets triggered), I'm beginning to realise that in order to have a fully open heart and to give AND receive love freely I need to create space and 'clean' my heart up. I need to let go and detach from past experiences, beliefs and projections as well as from future fantasies and plans. Nothing is real apart from this moment. And nothing real exists apart from love. That's the main thing I've learnt from the self-taught book A Course In Miracles. And forgiveness is, for me, the only way to clean up and open my heart as best as I can.

I want to be able to fully give myself to the experience of true love, be it in friendships,family relationship, intimate relationships or any other kind of relationship and in order to do that I need a heart that uses all its capacity to give and receive love and is not burdened and distracted by old ego beliefs. Forgiveness for others and self liberates my heart, my mind and my soul and opens my heart to the miraculous and divine experience of LOVE.

After reading this book passage I quickly said this little prayer (i know its a bit desperate but desperate times require desperate measures, or however the saying goes)... "Please please divine universe and God quickly clean up my heart and help me to let go of everything that i need to let go of and help me to forgive myself and everyone else so that my heart can be free to experience more love every day, your love and that of others and to be able to give away my love more freer and without fear. Thank youuuu."

Lets hope it works (at least a wee bit) :-)

Sticking with it!

For quiet some time now I've been reflected on one of my biggest character defects, impatience and not sticking with things when they get tough.

Looking back on my life I can see how easily I give up on things and throw the baby out with the bath water instead of sticking with it and working through whatever crisis or difficulty I'm facing and actually experiencing what's it like on the other side. I have done (and am still doing it) in all areas of my life, relationships, work, recovery, appearance...

With regards to relationships, for example, once the relationship hits a crisis I leave and end it. Instead of using it as an opportunity to grow and to work through issues and grow closer and stronger together, I leave, or move away, or both. The same principle applies when it comes to my hobbies. Once the initial buzz of it is over and I have to put effort in to it, be disciplined and carry on practicing even though I dont want to, I start thinking that its not the right hobby for me and go looking for something else (just like I did with relationships). And the same pattern also plays out in even more banal things like letting my hair grow. I get so impatient and I'm somehow not prepared to endure the 'pain' of waiting until it grows past this awkward stage where it just doesnt seem to be a haircut at all and is all annoying, and I go and get it cut.

So what I'm trying to highlight here is my difficulty in sticking with things. Especially when it hits the point were the 'honeymoon' period is over and the work starts. When it requires discipline, endurance and effort. And today was a day where the internal need to 'run' and to quit was really high and I felt this huge urge to find some kind of release from it. I'm struggling adjusting to my new work and the in the past I used food to do so. I would binge in order to kill these restless and unsettling feelings. Since I dont do that anymore (one day at a time and by the grace of god) I kind of 'observed' myself looking for other ways of finding release. And my escape today was to try to get my hair cut (even though I want to let it grow). Luckily all shops are closed on sundays and I just had to stick with it. Stick with my feelings and my hair. 

I am so grateful for it. Today I really practiced sticking with something. I stuck with my recovery program, with not getting my hair cut because I needed to 'cut something off me' and not looking for a new job. And I feel proud of it. Learning to stick to something in the middle of a struggle is a big learning curve for me and today I took a step towards it. And it feels good.

I suppose this ties also in with this project. Part of me (my destructive ego) thought to quit because I havent written a post every day and my ego started thinking so what's the point, you might as well quit now, who cares, and it's too much hard work. And my higher self replied: 'No, I'm gonna stick with it. Period.' Commitment, endurance and effort are key ingredients for everything we do, every relationship, project, or goals we want to reach. Regardless of how difficult and challenging it may be, I have made the commitment to practice forgiveness on a daily basis during this project (and hopefully continue with it afterwards) and I will stick with it and continue to write about it.

And today I will forgive my manager for criticising me. A lot. I will forgive myself for not staying within my 50% in this relationship and for putting the responsibility of feeling useful and valued at work onto my manager. Oh, and this is the biggest one, I will forgive myself and not feel guilty any longer!!!, for loosing my election notification and not giving my vote in the berlin election today. Please, please, please forgive me....

With that, I wish the world and everyone in it a very good night. 

Combatting the challenges of new employment through forgiveness

So I officially started my new job now and I'm learning sooooo much about the different ways people manage their staff and run their businesses. I'm having a bit of a hard time adjusting the different working methods and sometimes I have to really (really) keep myself in check and try to not let my ego get caught up in the fight for wanting to be right rather than happy. 

Even though the past few days have been very exhausting (especially mentally) I try to see stay detached from the context of arising problems and dynamics between colleagues and focus on the only thing that is truly real - LOVE. But it is so damn hard. It's so hard not to take things personal, not to feel useless if basically all you do is not done the right way, if you been told to do 10 things at once and then get ...well lets lovingly call it 'constructive' feedback. I really try to keep breathing and to remember that I'm still new, I'm experiencing very different working ethics and morals and managerial skills than what i'm used to (and I so appreciate my previous managers, they were just the best) and I'm learning, learning, learning.

So the main chunk of forgiveness that I want to send out is towards me and remind myself that I am very hard-working, useful and valuable and that it is ok to make mistakes. oh and it is ok to ask, even if it is the same question twice (or 3 times). And i also want to remind myself of seeing the innocence behind people's behaviour and remember that it is either an act of love or a cry for love and that everyone has their own struggles. And breath. 

Ok, so that filled my love and compassion tank up again and hopefully will supply my with everything I need to be the best person I can be tomorrow at work....... 

Return to innocence - Day 14

All day I have been thinking about what I could write tonight about forgiveness and nothing came to my mind. Nothing at all. And then I spoke to a very dear friend of my, the lovely Helen, and so many things just kept on popping up and up and up. And there is the lesson again, that i really dont need to try to 'control' to find something to write about but to have an open and receptive mind and heart and things will just come up when needed.

So during our conversation I shared with her some current struggles that I'm experiencing about defining my own boundaries and communicating them to the people around me and especially towards men. I suspect that that has probably something to do with old childhood stuff (as usual) and not wanting to upset my dad out of fear that he might reject me and withdraws his love from me.

I am currently fully experiencing how my lack in having clear boundaries and my struggle in asserting them is impacting on how I feel and on my relationships. I find myself doing things I dont actually want to do. I find myself going along with things I dont want to go along with. I find myself pleasing people just because I dont want to upset them and out of fear that they may not like me anymore. And this is causing me a lot of frustration and anger because I dont want to do this anymore. I want to be able to stay strong and solid within myself. I want to stay within my middle and consider other and myself equally. I am also important and I need to define my boundaries in order to take care and nurture myself from the inside.

However, there is a lot of growing pain connected with that because what I'm beginning to realise is that I have a lot of attachments that may not be so helpful anymore and that I still hold on to old beliefs that I made up from early traumatic childhood experiences. Some of those beliefs really got scratched over the past few days and tonight I reached a place where I got so pissed off by it that I had to use some tools in order to return to a place of peace, love and compassion. And what I realised was that I'm experiencing growing pains (I love this expression) and that I'm being given situations in order to explore and define my boundaries and to communicate them. Because how can I do this if there isnt a situation in which I need to have boundaries?

So tonight I moved from a place of anger and frustration about a certain situation and person to seeing beauty and opportunity in it. I've been given a chance to grow and to learn and instead of avoiding it and turning my back to it (which i often did in the past) I am now willing to take this chance and do something different. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to change my old unhelpful ways of thinking and behaving.

Thank you my beloved for this opportunity (despite the growing pain) and give me strength to stick with it and move through it :-)

To err is human; to forgive divine (Alexander Pope)

I read this little meditation this morning and I thought its a perfect message for the Forgiveness Project.

'If I am unable to accept the fact that people make mistakes, am I not rejecting them as human beings? Even more to the point: does my ability to accept my own failings cause me to see myself as not measuring up?

For my own peace of mind, I need to forgive even the most damaging transgression; but forgiveness of others can only come when I have learned to forgive myself.

For today: I pray for a forgiving heart and the willingness to let go of bitterness.'

Isn't that a beautiful message to start the day with?

All you need is love - Day 11

This morning, when I checked all my cyberspace correspondences, I watched again the video link from Duane O'Kane about spreading love on 9/11 and seeing how much love people have and are willing to give it away really moved me. I saw myself in the video and so many other friends from the Clearmind Community singing 'All you need is love' from the Beatles and I felt such a big sense of love, connection and gratefulnees (does that word actually exist??) that i had a few tears running down my cheeks. 

Seeing people reaching out and connecting with total strangers because they want to inject a little bit more love into our hearts and into the world was a good reminder of what is truly important for me in my life. No grievances, hurt feelings, the need to be right (or wrong), no money, status, or prestige, no 'perfect' body or job can EVER give me the same loving, satisfying and deeply happy feeling that I get when I connect with people from a place of love and really experience the heart to heart connection. It's an energy I've never found anywhere else (and trust me, I've been looking for it in all kinds of places - in the wrong ones usually).

As the Course of Miracles says, the only thing that's real is love. And so it is. 

Today, I choose to be mindful and grateful for all the love that is around me and I also decided to do a 30 Days of Love Project after this one. But coming back to the theme of this project, forgiveness, I think it ties in really well with the notion of love because, how can I love without forgiving. How can I see the innocence in someone when I still hold on to the belief that this person or situation has wronged or harmed me? How can I experience freedom from old beliefs that I have made up about myself, certain people or situations in my past in order to move towards peace and happiness? 

For me, forgiveness and letting go of the past (and the future) is a crucial ingredient to experiencing peace, love, joy and contentment in the present. And today I'm letting go of my worries about how to afford all the different training courses that I want to do, my thoughts and feelings about relationships, my shame and guilt about the things I have done in the past whilst in active addiction and my (mistaken) fear of not being loveable for who I am..... I am gonna let all of this go and fill myself up with gratitude and with the love from my higher power and from the people around me.

Ahhhh, that feels goooooooood. Try it yourself!

'All you need is love....'