From Crisis to Communion

Good evening world,

before I say good night to the world and turn my light off, I just had the urge to quickly write about my little (well actually it was a rather long journey) from a point of crisis to communion.

I've hit a point in my relationship where I feel so fearful that my boyfriend is actually really going to see me, I mean we are at this stage now where we are proper showing up, where we are dropping our masks of presenting our selves in the best possible light, and admitting to each other our fears, past hurts and vulnerabilities. And thats pretty scary stuff.

The fact (and yes it is a fact) that someone is loving all parts of me, I mean even the parts that i consider (or have been considering) as my dark and unlovable parts, still sometimes blows my mind and actually frightens me. From time to time my head would think, yeah but if you would only really know me, you wouldnt say all those nice things about me, and you definitely wouldnt love me. I do know that this is just my ego's voice trying to keep me away from real connection and I most of the time I dont buy into it anymore, but from time to time it still comes up...and it came up the day before yesterday.

I was in a pretty tough place the other day and really struggled to feel any self-love for myself and as a result i couldnt understand how someone else could. I projected my anger that I had towards myself onto my boyfriend and leaked my self-agression by rejecting his warm efforts to extend love to me. Poor him, not a very nice place to be.

But what we managed to do was to really communicate about how we felt. I mean we both made a choice to really show up in this relationship and to confide to each other our deepest fears and how we feel in relation to the other's actions. It really landed on me yesterday what my lack of accountability and responsibility for my own feelings can impact on the other person. But I would not have found out about it if we wouldnt have had the courage to have an open and honest conversation about it, a conversation during which we show up and hear each other without attacking, blaming or defending.

And so we moved through this crisis. By communicating authentically about our feelings and experiences we got to see each other even more and not just see each other but love each other. to love that part that we thought (well i guess i can only speak for myself here) so the part that i thought is unlovable. And we got to place of such deep connection, as if our hearts and souls united themselves.

So, it just goes to show that real and honest communication and showing up authentically in the relationship enables true connection and brings a loving communion.

So, feeling full of love for Self, my boyfriend, the world and everyone in it.....I'm off to sleep now...good night you wonderful world xoxoxox

Das Wunder der Berührung

Berührungen.....

Was für ein Wunder eine Berührung sein kann. Ich meine nicht ein flüchtiges Anfassen, eine unnahbare Umarmung oder ein achtloses Streicheln. Nein, ich rede von Berührungen die unter die Haut gehen, die bis tief in unser Herz und Seele eindringen. Berührungen, die unser Innerstes berühren.

Ich wurde heute berührt.

Von Menschen die ich noch nie vorher getroffen habe. Wir sind zusammen gekommen für eine Wochenend Seminar in Körperarbeit, sechs verschiedene Individuen mit einer Intention: sich mit seinem Körper wieder zuverbinden, um somit sich selbst und andere wieder besser wahrnehmen zu können.

Sich bewusst zu berühren, sich wieder in seinen Körper hineinfühlen, wahrzunehmen wie er sich anfühlt wenn er berührt wird, die auftretenden Gefühle und Gedanken einfach nur bewusst annehmen und alles geschehen lassen, war für mich ein unheimlich nährendes und heilendes Erlebnis.

Berührungen, die tief aus dem Herzen kommen, die mit Liebe, Achtsamkeit und Aufmerksamkeit gegeben werden, tragen soviel positive und heilende Energie, das einem nicht nur ganz warm ums Herz sondern auch um die Seele wird.

Und so wurde ich heue berührt.

Ich verließ das Seminar mit einem offenen Herzen, voller Liebe und mit einem Bedürfnis dieses weiter zugeben. Das ist das Wunderbare, wer selbst Liebe erfährt will sie weitergeben, aus Liebe für andere.

Berührungen können Transportmittel für die Liebe sein und mit Liebe meine ich nur die Liebe zwischen zwei Partnern, sondern die warme Energie die zwischen uns alle fließt.

Ich möchte mehr berühren, denn eine scheinbar simple Umarmung, eine Hand auf der Schulter, eine sanfte Berührung auf dem Rücken kann Wunder wirken. Das habe ich heute gelernt - und ich bin dafür zu tiefst dankbar.

Wie wäre die Welt, wenn wir uns alle mehr Liebe schenken würden? Ich lade euch dazu ein, euch einfach mehr zu Berühren, euch wahrzunehmen und euch zu spüren. Wie geht es euch dann dabei, wie ist es wieder seinen eigenen Körper wahrzunehmen. Und wie ist es andere zu berühren und von anderen berührt zu werden? Werdet wieder Neugierig auf eure Körper und was sie euch sagen wollen.

Viel Spaß beim Erkunden und beim Lieben!

Ankommen...

Ok, das ist nun mein 2. Versuch einen neuen post zu schreiben und je mehr ich darüber nachdenke was ich schreiben soll, desto schwerer fällt es mir und ich schiebe es immer weiter vor mir hin. Ich glaube, ich habe immer noch ein bisschen dieses innerliche Bedürfnis bzw. den Glauben, hier was ganz Tolles und Weltbewegendes schreiben zu müssen, damit ich überhaupt das 'Recht' habe hier öffentlich zu schreiben, jedenfalls ist es das, was mir mein Ego weiß machen will. Aber ich hör einfach nicht hin, und schreib trotzdem über mich und die Welt, auch wenn ich keine super-duper Schriftstellerin bin. Ha! 

Im Grunde ist das doch genau der Punkt - das zu machen, was einem wirklich Freude bringt, egal was das eigene Ego dazu sagt. Wie viele von uns haben innerliche Träume und Wünsche die wir hegen und pflegen, uns aber nicht trauen sie zu verwirklichen. Ich weiß für mich, das ich immer schon ganz viele verschiedene Sachen machen wollte, ich mir aber oft nicht getraut habe, meinen Wünschen und Träumen nachzugehen. Ich hatte Angst davor, was andere über mich denken werden, das ich bewertet und beurteilt werde, und habe auf eher auf meine Selbstzweifel gehört als auf meine intuitive innere Stimme. 

Viele Jahre lang habe ich ein Leben als Chamelon gelebt. Ich habe mich verstellt, angepasst, mir neue 'Identitäten' geschaffen, alles im Namen der Anerkennung, des Dazugehören wollens, des Gemocht-werdens. Ich hatte so viele Masken, das ich schon lange mein wahres Ich verloren hatte, und nicht wußte wer ich eigentlich wirklich bin.

Wer ist Anna? Wer bin Ich? Wer bin ich in der Gegenwart von anderen? Das ist überhaupt eine der wichtigsten und beeindruckensten Fragen die mir je gestellt worden sind (und nicht einfach nur so in einem ganz normalen alltäglichen Gespräch, nein ich musste mich mit dieser Frage in einem sehr intensiven experiential, also selbst-erfahrungsbezogenen, workshop auseinander setzen).

Ich habe die meißte Zeit meines Lebens damit verbracht etwas zu Suchen. Das zu suchen das mir den inneren Frieden gibt, das die Leere, die ich so lange Zeit empfunden habe, füllt, das mir das Gefühl der Vollständigkeit gibt. Ich habe dieses bestimmte Etwas überall gesucht, in Beziehungen, in anderen Ländern und Orten, in Jobs, in Alkohol, Essen, usw.........vergeblich. 

Ich war auf der Suche nach Liebe und Anerkennung, nach einem zu Hause - nach meinem zu Hause.

Vor 2 Jahre hat mir eine sehr weise Frau gesagt, 'Anna vielleicht ist es Zeit aufzuhören zu Suchen und Zeit anzufangen zu FINDEN'. 

Und das ist genau das, was ich jetzt tue. Ich finde mich, oder besser gesagt, ich komme nach Hause. Das heißt nicht, das ich nicht immer noch meine Ängste und Probleme habe. Nein, die sind immer noch da, aber ich bin anders (ich versuch's jedenfalls) in der Mitte all dieser Schwierigkeiten. Meine Gedanken sind verändert und das ist das einzig Wahre das wirklich verändert werden kann - nicht die Außenwelt, sondern nur die Innenwelt.

Ich versuche die Welt und meine Mitmenschen (und natürlich mich selbst) nicht mehr mit der Brille auf der draufsteht  'Projektionen deiner Vergangenheit' zu sehen, sondern mit neugierigen Augen die die unschuldige und liebenswürdige Seele hinter allem und jedem sehen wollen. Auch wenn dies manchmal schwer fällt, die Belohnung, das heißt der Gefühlszustand in dem ich dann lebe, ist aller Disziplin und Anstrengung wert. Denn ich habe noch nie in meinem Leben so viel Liebe erfahren wie jetzt. Und das möchte ich nie wieder loslassen. 

Liebe ist das einzige was zählt im Leben. Liebe ist das einzige was Echt ist im Leben. Liebe ist was das Leben lebenswert macht.

Auf die Liebe!

Honoring my family

I just wanted to share with the world a wonderful moment I had yesterday with my lovely mum (or Mutschka as I call her). One thing I want to say first though is that over the past couple of years, my family relationships have become incredible important to me and one of the key reasons why I moved back to Berlin, back to my home city and to my family was, to spend more time with my mum and dad. To spend more qualitative time together, to get to know them and ‘their’ stories and for them to get to know me. 

I have always had a good relationship with my mum and I consider myself as really lucky to have such an open, understanding, loving, accepting, supportive and non-judgmental mum like I have. She is the best mum I could ever asked for and she was the perfect mum for me and my journey. I could go on and on about how great she is and how much I love and value her but what the key point that I want to make is that I held lots of resentment against her (especially when I was younger) for not being the ‘perfect’ mother who I wanted and thought I needed. Now I can see that she was perfect for me with all her imperfections. My mum (and my dad) did the best they could with what they had and who they were at the time. And I love them for that and am grateful to them. I wouldnt be who I am today if it wasn’t for he experiences I have been through. There are no resentments anymore, no guilt, no attack, no persecutor or victim roles. There is only forgiveness and love. Because forgiveness means to remember the love that was there at the given time. And I was lived by my parents. Always have been and always will be. 

And this is something I’m incredibly grateful for!

So that was a nice little sidetrack....so back to my lovely afternoon with my mum. So she came over to my flat (and this is another thing that i just love love love, having my own little place to invite my mum over for dinner, never been able to do that before and its just such a lovely way to connect) and after we spend a couple of hours conversing (not just ‘talking’ but actually being in conversation) we lit a candle for my brother and put his picture and the candle next to our little coffee table so that he is right here with us. My mum then read out some old letters which her mum sent her about 30 years ago now. It was hilarious funny because me and my mum totally recognized ourselves in the things my nan wrote about, e.g. always running from one place to another, always being in action and busy. It was so funny to read about certain behaviours my nan did, which my mum adapted and me too and my and my mum then just started laughing about ourselves and just felt this immense love for her mum, my nan, and for ourselves. Out of the sudden we could see ourselves and behaviours with such humility and humor and there was no need anymore for self-criticism. It all made sense. We all made sense. We are one unit, one family unit, always connected, whether dead or live.

It was a wonderful afternoon in acknowledging our family, our loved ones, the living and deceased ones. Yesterday we spend time with my nan and my brother, we send them love and celebrated their live. What a wonderful moment this was and it reaffirmed the importance to remember our loved ones with joy and to not not talk about them. They were important too, even though we may hold some painful memories or feelings towards them but we cannot forget them. They are part of our family, part of our own history and they always will be. 

So, with this little memory I’m sending lots of love and love and love to both of my brothers, my grandparents, my uncle and all the other souls who either didnt made it onto this earth or already moved on. 

Relationship Commitments

Ok, so it has been almost 2 weeks now since my last post and loads of stuff has been happening in my life since. The last 3 weeks feel a bit like a roller-coaster, reaching new highs and lows with such speed that it I sometimes struggled to stay in my seat and to just go with the flow.

There have be a lot of new beginnings for me, which is great, but (or better said 'and') also brought up (and continues to do so) some challenges and difficulties. Apart from the fact that I have a new job now and that I'm in the process of setting my self up as a freelance life coach and mentor, the biggest change is that I am now, after almost 2 years, in a new relationship. Puhh, that actually is quiet a big thing for me to say on here, because it makes it so much more official now. And the word that pops straight in my mind now that I associate with a relationship is COMMITMENT.

Hmmm, commitment. This is one big word. One big powerful concept, especially with regards to relationships. What does it actually mean, com-mit-ment? Just by briefly skipping over different definitions of the word, it becomes clear that it can have a lot of different meanings depending on the context. But the definition landed on me most was the following: "when you are willing to give your time and energy to something that you believe in, or a promise or firm decision to do something“.


Okay, so there's something about willingness to invest time in it, its something I believe in, and a promise to take actions. Aha. Well, reflecting back on past situations and relationships I dont think I can say that I've always been the most committed person...hmmmm maybe that's why I've got the nickname "Anna-the Runner????"

If I'm being totally honest with myself than I have to admit that it is difficult for me to stick to something that requires 'work' when it 'hits the wall'. I have a tendency to throw the baby out with the bathwater,  to leave and just start from scratch somewhere  or with someone or something totally new. Be it a hobby,  work or a relationship. The funny thing is though, that I always end up at the same place over and over again....So maybe now it is time to try something different and to check out what it would be like to be committed, and to STAY committed. When not now, then when, hey?

So what are the things I want to be committed to in this relationship?...(very good question Anna...and I hope you do realize that if you write down your commitments here, you have to actually stick to them and cant cop out of it? - Yes, voice of my conscience, I know and that's exactly why I'm doing it! I'm done with running!)

Okay so here are my commitments in this relationship (and the list is expandable):

1. I commit to stay open, honest and curious
2. I commit to considering myself and my partner equally
3. I commit to stay (!) present when crisis hits and to not quit
4. I commit to really showing up in this relationship and letting myself be seen and loved (especially when I fear that I'm not lovable in this moment)
5. I commit to see the innocence in my partner (or at least being willing to)
6. I commit to forgiveness and love
7. I commit to fun, joy and play
8. I commit to support my own and my partner's growth process
9. I commit to stay in this relationship at least until I know who I'm in relationship with

I'm sure there are plenty more commitments but these are the main ones that spontaneously popped into my head.

I dont think its gonna be easy for me to stick to all of them, but I think that by setting my intention, I make a clear statement towards what my goal in this relationship (in fact for all my relationships) is. It's about who I want to be, who I want to be when I'm in a relationships. A question that I never considered before, but a question that I now need to answer, if I dont want loose myself again.

Sooo.....interesting times are ahead of me, and I'm very excited what wonderful moments, experiences and opportunities this journey will bring us. (uhhh, there is the first 'us' already :-)